Janna's Page of Random

A Franciscan Benedicion

2010-11-07T12:47:00.002-06:00

May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that we may live deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that we may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, hunger, and war, so that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this world, so that we can do what others claim cannot be done, to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

2010-03-17T20:41:00.002-05:00

When you run laps at the gym several times a week, you get through a lot of music on your mp3 player, including stuff that you haven't listened to in ages. I feel like my musical taste has changed somewhat over the past few years, but it's nice when the music you liked once upon a time is still able to convict you and remind you of truth.

Can I look past the cliche in every moment?
Can I learn to be amazed by you?
Can I find a simple way to praise you
Even if it's already used?
Can I put my pride aside
And learn to sing in time with someone elses phrases?

I love you
I love you
I love you
Nothing new

-Sanctus Real

2009-12-21T13:14:00.002-06:00

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord
And my spirit exalts in God my Saviour
For He has looked with mercy on my lowliness
And so my name will be forever exalted
For the mighty God has done great things for me
And his mercy shall reach from age to age

And holy, holy, holy is his name.

Even Math Sucks Sometimes

2009-12-11T21:18:00.003-06:00

Math studying is about killing me, so... I will blog instead! Oh escapism. What a good tactic.

What to write? Hmmm... perhaps a Christmas exam poem.

The tree is up
The lights are blinking
But Janna's work ethic
Sure is stinking

Imaginary numbers
Are in my head
I'd rather the integral
Of -i was dead.

My coffee with eggnog
Is the best part of my day
I think I may be addicted
But what can I say?
I like coffee

Ok, as much as I would love to continue poem-ing, I actually need to get back to work. If I never blog again, it is because complex analysis actually murdered me.

Silence

2009-11-26T22:46:00.005-06:00

I just finished the book Silence, by Shusaku Endo. It is about the persecution of Christians in Japan in the 1600's. The main character is a priest who is determined to die for his faith if that is what it takes. Throughout the book, he is willing to face persecution, but he refuses to aposticize - to trample on the picture of Christ, however, he is also distressed that God remains silent while all this persecution is happening. Near the end, he was told that if he did not aposticize, other Christians would be tortured to death. And as he prays that God will speak, that he will not remain silent any longer, the picture of the Christ that he is asked to trample on speaks to him:

"The priest raises his foot. In it he feels a dull, heavy pain. This is no mere formality. He will now trample on what he has considered the most beautiful thing in his life, on what he has believed most pure, on what is filled with the ideals and the dreams of man. How his foot aches! And then the Christ in bronze speaks to the priest: 'Trample! Trample! I more than anyone know of the pain in your foot. Trample! It was to be trampled on by men that I was born into this world. It was to share men's pain that I carried my cross.'"

There are many thoughts bouncing around in my head about all of this. Some of the stuff in the book seemed very profound, and I wish I had someone to discuss it with who had also read the book. It is making me wonder about the difference between what we believe with our hearts and what we confess with our mouths. It is making me think about which aspects of faith are universal, and which are cultural. It is bringing to mind our house church topic of the year so far: "So what is it that make this Good News so good?"

I think I'm getting better at pondering some of these things without needing to come to a concise answer. And I think that's ok, but not a prime situation for good blog posts.

2009-11-22T22:44:00.002-06:00

There is something deep
Deep inside us all
Some dark night
Begging for the day
It remains a longing
Only You can fill
Only You can fill
Oh when will we ever learn
Only you can fill

This is a song they sing at St. Ben's that I like very much.

Vast

2009-11-20T23:27:00.003-06:00

Well, I just purchased my very first computer, and I feel it is only right to break my long blog silence on this very significant occasion. As it is so clearly impossible to even begin to try to give an accurate look into what has gone on in my life and my head since I blogged last, I will not even try. Rather, I will tell a little story that happened last Tuesday that made me smile:

It was Tuesday. As per usual, I headed to house church after my biochemistry lab. Actually, it wasn't quite a usual Tuesday afternoon. First of all, I accidentally tested the wrong unknown in my biochem lab, which resulted in some tests making absolutely no sense, particuarly the Benedict's test, which I could go into, but I have a feeling that the few people who will ever read this don't really care about my Benedict's test so I will spare you the details. Anyways, just picture me making a big mistake that resulted in several tests having to be redone. This ended up being more comical than frustrating, but it did make me late leaving the school. I was getting a ride to house church with a friend of mine who lives near the university, but whose house I had never been to before, and I proceeded to walk there and get somewhat lost on the way. This involved me misreading a house number and walking the wrong way down a street. I started worrying that he was going to leave before I got there, leaving me stuck outside with no ride to church. When I finally arrived, huffing and puffing, I was assured that I would never have been left out in the cold alone, and we left for church. I had uncharacteristically intense chest pain all evening, and considered going home or possibly to the hospital, but as I was surrounded by some of my favorite people, and convinced that the pain would eventually go away, I stuck around. By prayer time, I was still in quite a lot of pain, so naturally I requested that the group pray for me. I shouldn't really be surprised by this but I was: only 10 minutes later, I was feeling significantly better. Somehow asking for prayer seems like a natural thing to do, and yet seeing an immediate answer to prayer surprises me. Perhaps I need to work on my belief in God's ability and desire to act. And so I was able to join the group in their post-church activity of the evening, which was called, "drive out into the country and lie down in a big long row under blankets in a ditch eating chips and smarties and watching the meteor shower while talking about whatever we felt like and gazing into the vastnesss, cheering out loud whenever we saw a shooting star." It was one of those times where you are leaving the city at 10 PM, knowing that you will be out late and that you have to get up early, but also knowing that there is absolutely 0% chance of you not being a part of the fun. So worth the lack of sleep. It was wonderful.

God has been so good to me. Right now, I am particularly thankful for mishaps that work out and friends and health and stars and cold nose. And though those are not all really on the same level, they are all things that remind me about the goodness and bigness and closeness of God.

Light Gives Heat

2009-07-17T23:41:00.002-05:00

Tonight me and Kirsten went to the Forks, and we went through the Africa Village tent that they have set up. It was pretty neat - you get an iPod shuffle and follow the story through one of four real stories about a child in Africa. The pictures of beautiful people who are living a life much harder than mine reminded me of how blessed I am - and also how I need to look beyond the comfort of my own life and reach out to those who got born into a harder life than I did. There was a place at the end of the exhibit where you could write a prayer or a letter and stick it to the wall. The words of this Jars of Clay song came to mind:

Will you teach us how to love?
To see the things you see?
Walk the road you walked
Feel the pain that you feel?
At your feet I kneel
I want to see you shine
See your light, not mine
Light gives heat
Light gives heat.

I'm not sure how long the African Village is set up. It's free, so for those of you Winnipeggers who are looking for an interesting experience, you could try it out. Perhaps a bit of a World Vision advertisement, but a good reminder none the less, I think. And whether you go see the tent or not, I encourage you to think of ways to actively pursue justice for those who have done nothing to deserve their hard lot in life - just as we have done nothing to deserve our easy one. Let me know if you come up with anything good.

the disconnect

2009-06-17T21:15:00.004-05:00

and once again, the disconnect;
these fingers of my heart that reach out and grasp
at nothing
they thought you would meet them here
that you would hear the words beneath
the ones i say
and whisper back
that i am not alone
that we are singing the same song
that we are one

but your ears heard what my heart never said
and missed the bigness of the thoughts
that begged of you an audience

so here i am
sought out but misunderstood
heard but unknown
disconnected

Over the course of this year I have started writing a poem on this theme and have never been able to finish it. I don't know that I like how it turned out this time around, but I forced it out so that I can come back and work on it rather than always starting fresh. The theme is a little depressing perhaps, but so true. I am continually reminded that if I insist on looking for someone to know me completely, I will be always disappointed. That realization of the disconnect that exists between me and every other person is a painful one. It brings me back to my thoughts of groaning that I wrote about recently. It also leaves me with a choice. Either I can accept the lonely fact that no person can hear the undertones of my heart, or I can redirect them to the only One who will ever know me.

A Hymn to God the Father

2009-06-17T20:55:00.004-05:00

Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still: though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin? and, made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year, or two: but wallowed in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by thy self, that at my death thy son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore;
And, having done that, thou hast done,
I fear no more.

- John Donne

Baby!

2009-05-18T22:59:00.009-05:00

I am Tante Jans again! I was at a youth conference all weekend with my youth group (which was incredible, by the way - God so clearly at work in the lives of the youth, but that's a whole nother post), and when I got home tonight, I found out that Corrie was born on Friday shortly after I left. So I got to hold my 3 day old niece tonight for a while, and she is a cutie.

The Groaning Goes On

2009-04-30T22:29:00.007-05:00

I think one of the reasons that I haven't been feeling much like blogging lately is that I have had a couple of partially formed thoughts bouncing around in my head for a long time, but they weren't at a stage where I felt like writing about them, and there was nothing else that seemed worth writing about. Hence, I wrote about nothing. I still haven't finished thinking about these things, but perhaps I have reached the point where I can at least express some thoughts. I suppose the answer to that is a yes if this actually gets posted.

So I watched a really great chick flick tonight. I think the thing that I love about chick flicks (and really most movies) is the happy ending. There may have been moments in the middle where you weren't quite sure if things was going to end well, but somehow at the end of the day, all is well... and they lived happily ever after. Happily ever after. I think that is quite a thought. I think that is what I search for. Not necessarily in the form of the perfect man (though I wouldn't complain if I found him), but in everything. Happily ever after implies rest. The thing you have been seeking has been found, and now you can sit back, relax, enjoy life, and never have to be uneasy or anxious again. A deep breath released, and tension is gone from your life forever. Rest.

But the thing is, no matter where I've been or what the circumstances, I have never experienced a rest that complete. I've never gotten to a "happily ever after." That's because life continues on, and this life is not actually about finding rest. Don't get me wrong, I believe that I will yet experience perfect rest. Just not on this side of heaven.

There are times when I thought I knew what it was that I wanted. I worked hard to get it, succeeded, and basked in my happiness... for about 5 minutes, until I noticed that I still wanted something. The hole wasn't filled. I couldn't find rest. That feeling is hard to express in words. Groans really say it best. All of my yearnings and wants and deepest hopes and frustrations can be encompassed in a groan. It goes even deeper than what I can consciously identify. The bible talks about this groan in Romans 8. All of creation is groaning "as in the pains of childbirth" (v 22). And what are we groaning for? "The redemption of our bodies" and "our adoption as sons" (v 23). That's the happily ever after right there. But the thing is, it isn't going to happen until we have a perfect relationship with our Creator, and as long as we are stuck on this broken earth in these broken bodies, we are going to be bound to decay. Groaning.

But here is something that I am learning. In the moments when all my frustrations and unrest culminate in a dissatisfied groan, I have a choice. I can decide if I am going to groan in frustration or in hope. If I groan in frustration, life gets... well, frustrating. But the thing is, although I know that the hole in me is not going to be filled in this lifetime, I do know that it is going to be filled. And when I shift my thoughts from all the things that aren't filling me, and rather think about the One that I know will fill me one day, my groans take on a peaceful tone. Not perfect rest, to be sure, but peace. And so my groans will go on, but I groan in hope. And in Him I find peace to get me through to the day when he will bring me perfect rest.

Convenience is Bliss

2009-04-06T16:15:00.002-05:00

I have to have another cell phone rant. I know that if you have ever bothered to ask me my list of pet peeves, you probably already know that this is near the top of the list, and I also know that if you have never bothered to ask me what my list of pet peeves entails, it is probably because you don't really want to know. I don't really blame you. Rants tend to be a little one-sided. Though that is sort of the nature of a blog in the first place. And if you read this blog ever, I have to assume that must imply that you at least like me a little bit, and if you like me at all, you must either enjoy rants or you have learned how to endure them/tune them out. Tuning out blog rants is especially easy, since I am not there to have hurt feelings about you reading a book or falling asleep while I am talking about something I think is important. So without further ado...

Cell phones make me mad. I understand that they are very useful. I will even go so far as to say that there have been moments in my life when I have wished for a brief moment that I had one so that I could work out some kinks in Friday night plans etc. But I deal with those moments of inconvenience. Part of it, I will freely admit, is that I am being stubborn. That is indeed one of my character traits, and I know that is something I need to work on sometimes, but I like that I am stubborn about this, so I don't expect it to change that soon. Cell phones very easily take over people's lives. We all have seen about a billion examples of people who can't go anywhere without checking their phones for texts, calling their boyfriends every 12 minutes, disrupting conversations with good friends to take a call, texting in class (I can tell you, very distracting)... I could go on and on. Okay, so I have established that some people take the cell phone a little too far (understatement of the year). To be fair, let's now consider the advantages of cell phones. You can call for help if you have trouble on the road, you can call your friend to find out where they are when you have been waiting at the designated spot for 25 minutes alone, you can keep yourself busy when you are bored in class. I think the main positive thing cell phones do is make things more convenient. Personally, I think that convenience is not necessarily the end we should always be seeking. Sure, it is nice for things to be convenient. But it is also nice when things increase our organizational skills, and when things build relationship and community. So it comes down to a question of whether the convenience is worth the cost.

I know that some people who have a cell phone and don't let it get out of hand (no pun intended), and perhaps that is the best (and hardest) place to be. It is easy for me to not get addicted to my cell phone because it is non-existent. What is hard is to have one and not let it take over. I think that's how lots of things in life are. It is easiest to push hard to one side on an issue, because then we never need to practice balance. But I think the gray area is often the best place to be, and that is hard, because it takes constant reassessment and effort. That sounds a little inconvenient.

I could go on and on, but I won't. I will, however, post a link to a pretty funny/good article on this topic. Click on the "family" link on the left and scroll down to "Don't Mind the Mess."

2009-04-02T15:58:00.000-05:00

Camera Obscura = amazing.

Everything

2009-03-23T00:13:00.003-05:00

Every once in a while I get a reminder about the things in life that are actually important. I spend a lot of time on some really good things: friends, school, coffee, music, etc. I feel that they make my life enjoyable, and also often draw me into God. But they are not God. I have found that I can even spend time reading my Bible, talking about God, and singing praise songs, and be intellectually thinking about Jesus without entering in emotionally and spiritually. It is good to be reminded that good things are not the best thing. It is good to realize that intellect is only one part of knowing God. It is good to be reminded of my smallness and God's bigness. It is good to be shown that I am wrong. Truth is good. I really hope that my own thoughts and personality and biases don't get in the way of me being open to God showing me truth. I hope that I can be humble and make Him my everything. Here is a song that is wonderful:

Everything

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

You are everything
You are everything
You are everything
You are everything

- Tim Hughes

You can listen to it here.

2009-03-11T23:52:00.000-05:00

Check out Lohio. I am a fan.

2009-03-01T22:28:00.002-06:00

"The most difficult lie I have ever contended with is that life is a story about me."

Donald Miller - Blue Like Jazz

Lent

2009-02-25T22:26:00.003-06:00

In other news, today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Yesterday at House Church, we had the traditional Shrove Tuesday pancakes, which were delicious, and then did some talking and thinking and praying. Here are a couple of prayers that we came across:

O Lord, the house of my soul is narrow;
enlarge it that you may enter in.
It is ruinous, O repair it!
It displeases your sight. I confess it, I know.
But who shall cleanse it, to whom shall I cry but to you?
Cleanse me from my secret faults, O Lord
and spare your servant from strange sins.

St. Augustine of Hippo (AD 354 - 430)

O Lord, who hast mercy upon all, take away from me my sins,
and mercifully kindle in me the fire of thy Holy Spirit.
Take away from me the heart of stone, and give me a heart of flesh,
a heart to love and adore Thee, a heart to delight in Thee,
to follow and enjoy Thee,
for Christ's sake, Amen.

St. Ambrose of Milan (AD 339 - 397)

Why, hello!

2009-02-25T22:05:00.003-06:00

Well, it has indeed been a while since I have written in this place. I won't lie, the main reason I am back at this moment is because of Jennie who made me feel special by telling me that she missed my blogging. So this post is dedicated to her. Man, now I have to come up with something worth dedicating with someone. And to Jennie, of all people. I may have set the bar too high.

I have a theory as to why I haven't felt like blogging much lately. It has to do with being at University taking a degree in math. You see, once upon a time, I went to a school where I wrote papers. All the time. And I got into the habit of it. I got used to writing papers. And so when I left that place, I had built up this habit of writing things in a somewhat literary way, and I needed a place to put those things down, and so my blog was born. Now, a couple of years later, all remnants of that habit of writing coherent paragraphs have mostly disappeared. Now, I spend my time writing math proofs, and figuring out whether 121212121212121212121212 is divisible by 11 (it is, by the way). Most people don't quite understand my love of math. That's ok, really. I am not ashamed. Numbers are cool, and I'm sticking to that. Anyways, back to what I was saying... these copious amounts of algebra and calculus that I have been doing have certainly not stopped me from pondering the deep questions of life (or at least the ones that my heart thinks are deep), but I do think I am changing the way I naturally feel like expressing those thoughts. They don't flow so nicely onto a page as they have at some points in my life. Maybe I'm just making excuses for never feeling like blogging. Who really knows? Oh the mysteries of life. Questions like, "Why does Janna not feel like blogging anymore?" and "Will we ever find a formula for the next prime number?" They are toughies, indeed.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T20:11:00.002-06:00

If you have never heard the most wonderfully awful O Holy Night in the world, follow this link for some Christmas laughs. My family found this a couple of years ago, and it has become a family tradition to gather round the computer and come to tears because we are all laughing so hard. The last half minute is pretty much the best ever.

http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000570.php

Have a joyous Christmas.

Trying to be Good

2008-11-30T23:01:00.005-06:00

I am not a very nice person. I'd like to be a nice person. I try really hard to be a nice person. I do okay for about 10 minutes. Then I say something mean or inconsiderate to someone that I love, and I realize once again that I am not a very nice person. When I come to this realization, I get really frustrated, and kind of guilty. And then I get determined to try harder the next time so I can succeed at being good. Which of course I can't do.

But why do I want to be good? I have been thinking about this lately, and I have come to the conclusion that most of the time, even though I wouldn't say it out loud, I am trying to be good because I want to earn God's forgiveness. I want to be good so that I will deserve God's blessing. Well that is clearly foolishness, and yet that is what is going on subconsciously in my head I think. I've been reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller lately, and his chapter on grace is really really good I think:

"I would hear about grace, read about grace, and even sing about grace, but accepting grace is an action I could not understand. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. More than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other."

And yet where does that get me, this earning of my forgiveness? Well, every time I set out to do it, I wind up in that same place - kicking myself at my inability to live rightly. This all starts to feel very hopeless. Until we remember that the whole point of Jesus dying in the first place was that he knew we couldn't earn his forgiveness, and that we desperately needed his help. And that's what grace is. Should we go on sinning then, so that grace can increase all the more? "By no means!" to borrow the words of Paul. And yet until we get it through our heads that this being good isn't our ticket to heaven, we aren't really accepting the beautiful gift that has been offered us.

So what is going to change us?

"Our 'behavior' will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. The laziest of men will swim the English channel to win his woman... By accepting God's love for us, we fall in love with him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey. In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion."

Fun Fact!

2008-11-17T21:36:00.004-06:00

Did you know that a group of clownfish is called a harem? And if that wasn't wonderful enough, did you know that in a harem of clownfish there is only one female, and that when that female dies, the biggest male changes sex and becomes a female? It is called "sequential hermaphoditism." I did know that once upon a time, and I learned it again today in my procrastination. Amazing the things you can learn when you are putting off learning other things!

2008-11-11T22:58:00.002-06:00

It is pretty scary to think that God puts his reputation in the hands of a bunch of imperfect humans that are really good at messing things up. I do my best to love the people around me and show them Jesus, yet I know that I fail. I say things that are judgmental, careless, and unloving. And yet God lets people like me be his representatives in this world. Yikes. It makes me feel very small and incapable. I have some very dear and wise friends who reminded me this weekend that if we are humble and start the day off asking God to glorify his name through us and not our own, then he will use us to speak his words and do his will. It is amazing what God can do witha bunch of failures. This song gives me hope.

Little is Much

2008-11-11T22:55:00.002-06:00

What is the measure of a life well lived
If all I can offer seems too small to give?
This is a song for the weaker, the poorer
And so-called failures

Little is much when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans he holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much, little is much

Who feels tired and underqualified?
Who feels deserted and hung out to dry?
This is a song for the broken, the beat up
And so-called losers

Little is much when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans he holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much, little is much

Consider a kingdom in the smallest seed
Consider that giants fell to stones and slings
Consider a child in a manger
Consider the story isn't over

-Downhere

So Happy

2008-11-07T17:27:00.002-06:00

I am so happy right now because:
1) It is Friday
2) Midterms are done
3) Alisha is getting here in 2 hours
4) I have made wonderful friends at the University
5) I am eating Thai food on Sunday
6) I am listening to Christmas music as of November 1st, including my amazing new Sheree Plett Christmas album
7) It is snowing so now my Christmas music sounds less out of place
8) I have no labs next week = 6 more hours to do other things
9) My Human Physiology prof turns out not to be a jerk
10) I found my mitts

Mmmmm

2008-10-25T23:05:00.003-05:00

This morning I was sitting in a coffee shop, studying for a multitude of exams I have in the next week, listening to some wonderful music, looking at the beautiful blue sky and pretty leaves out the window, and I thought to myself, "Life is so good." There are those moments in which all the things which make up life just add up to a feeling of peace. Not that life is all fun in those moments. There are aches and emptiness and desires. But sometimes it all comes together to a sense of rightness. I think in those moments there is this raw feeling and an acceptance of what life is at that moment, and in that embrace of what currently is, all of life - past present and future - looks like a thing of beauty.

Something about fall makes these moments more regular. Something in the crisp wind, bright colors and currents of change in the air - the cold nose that hints of the winter ahead that will bring Christmas and also a lot of frigid waits for the bus, nights to be spent studying in front of the fire, coffee to be had with friends... ah! It all just feels so good at this moment. The realness of it all. Maybe that's why I love cold nose so much. It reminds me of the realness of life. Makes me feel alive.

I'll stop my rambling now...

New Skin

2008-10-14T13:22:00.005-05:00

I looked at some pictures from a couple of years ago just now, and I felt very strange as I was paging through them. It felt like I was looking at pictures of someone else. I remember a time when the person in those pictures was me, but it isn't anymore. And yet that person has become me. It kind of reminds me of skin. There are lots of layers of cells that make up skin, and if you lost them all at once because you wanted new skin, you would not be in very good condition. You'd be dead, in fact. And yet, our skin is constantly being replaced - the outer layers being sloughed (I don't think I have ever had the chance to type that word before) off and new layers being added from beneath. After a while, all the old stuff is gone, and you have an entirely new skin. Nothing that once was still is. And yet you are still you, and the new skin feels fully yours.

That's how I feel about the old me that I see in pictures. I didn't just abandon myself and become a new person all at once, but I am constantly changing and being changed. And by now not much of who I once was is left over (I know this is a very large exaggeration, but it's how I feel sometimes). So when I look at pictures, it is looking back at something that is no more. It is remembering who I was, and some of the things that have made me into who I am. Keeping pictures and looking back at them is admitting that where you have been has brought you to where you are. That even though that immature, naive or silly person is not who you are anymore, you could never have become the person you are without first being that person.

In a way, keeping pictures is kind of like keeping scabs...

Thanksgiving!!!

2008-10-11T14:34:00.003-05:00

I am thankful for...
-food
-cranberry sauce to be eaten shortly
-sisters
-parents who cleaned my bathroom for me when I was gone one night (and do lots of other wonderful things)
-a long weekend
-a short week next week
-music
-coffee
-coffee shops
-friends to cry with, comfort, be comforted by, laugh with, be encouraged by, learn from and enjoy
-books
-leaves
-wind
-cold nose
-laughter
-hugs
-breaks from homework... aka this moment :)

One Year

2008-10-02T13:10:00.005-05:00

Defender

2008-09-28T16:52:00.003-05:00

My amazing cousin Mike Janzen was the musical guest at the Harvest Festival banquet on Friday. He is pretty much my piano hero. I sit in awe as I watch his hands move faster than I am capable of moving my hands, and somehow every note they strike sounds beautiful. Mike is also amazing because he has a wonderful heart for Jesus, and for trying to find out what it means to follow him. This is a song that he wrote that I like a lot.

Defender

To bless the poor with us
To feed the hungry ones
This is what You have taught us
To give as you have giv'n
To bring the orphans in
Is what You've commanded

Yet I am also poor in love
I need You Lord to fill me up

Defender of the poor
Restorer of the broken
Release for the oppressed
A shelter for the homeless
Is this not what it means
To know You, Lord of all
Is this not what's required to
Worship You above

To care for those in need
To set the captives free
To love as You showed us
To leave the harvest fields
For those without to eat
To tell of Your favour

Yet I am also poor in love
I need You Lord to fill me up

Defender of the poor
Restorer of the broken
Release for the oppressed
A shelter for the homeless
Is this not what it means
To know You, Lord of all
Is this not what's required to
Worship You above

- Mike Janzen

On Change

2008-09-27T23:48:00.003-05:00

Life is so crazy. One minute you are confident in your position - your relationships, your future, your emotions and thoughts. The next minute, you are thrown into chaos, as you are forced to question things you thought you knew, as your security blankets are snatched away one by one. Life likes to change faces every now and then. Not so much a sudden change, more like a continual morphing into something new. It keeps changing as I change. Or maybe I keep changing to keep pace. Sometimes I feel like I am out of breath, like I can't keep up with all the change. Sometimes I wish the change could speed up, that it would get me through a stage a little faster. I was looking back through my journal tonight, and I saw some random lines I had scrawled out in the middle of an entry a while ago:

Time is a bossy friend
Never obeying, always dictating
Doing things its own way

I think that there is a lesson that I need to keep learning about conceding to change. Fighting it only makes me impatient or nostalgic or some other unpleasant thing. I think the most enjoyable and effective life is one that is lived in an embrace with change.

I'd love it if I had more to say, but I really don't.

Peace

2008-09-20T23:53:00.004-05:00

When Peace comes in with quiet steps
And hems me in and speaks to me
He whispers stillness in my breast
A calm as far as eyes can see
And gives me rest

My heart is sore, yet pulse it will
The wounds received can kill me not
And though the pain goes on until
My strength is gone, past ease forgot
Peace rules me still

For in my joy, so in my pain
I know a Hope that leads me on
A Love who softly calls my name
And fills my dreams with coming dawn
This Peace remains

Feeble Beginnings

2008-09-13T17:25:00.006-05:00

The sky is charcoal
A slate as yet untouched
Chalk lying on the ground
I pick it up and wonder what to write
In the vastness
Unsure what to create
With the boundless potential
Paralyzed

Upon closer inspection the stars appear
Mapping out a celestial dot-to-dot
And all my worry melts away
As realization dawns with the morning
That I am just a child
Asked only to connect the dots
Already laid out for me

I am not an Object.

2008-08-22T02:44:00.004-05:00

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BLOG WILL BE A RANT OF RANTS, MEANING COHERENCY, ORDER AND CONCISENESS ARE NOT GUARANTEED.

What is the meaning of all these sex-related excerpts I have posted, you may be wondering. Well, let me tell you a couple of stories that get me really worked up.

Yesterday at work, I was coiling agendas, as is usual for me this summer. What is NOT usual, is that the back cover of an agenda for a large university in Canada was an advertisement for a night club. Okay, I understand that secular universities are known to have a lot of the type of people that like to go to night clubs. But this advertisement was a picture of a topless woman with her back to the camera. At first it just shocked me, because most of the agendas I've coiled are for elementary and junior high schools, with worms or apples or trees on the covers. After the initial surprise wore out, I just got really worked up. This was practically soft pornography on the back cover of an agenda that will be distributed to every student at this university. There is no way that this would fly at the U of M (at least I sure hope not). Me, and people like me, would complain, make a fuss, and fight for the value of women. It is degrading. Pictures like this reinforce the idea that a woman is a piece of meat. That the reason a woman is worth anything is not because she is human - capable of intelligent conversation and feelings, and full of worth - but because she can sexually arouse men.

The majority of boys at the factory yesterday seemed to think that the cover was great. It looked nice, and - though they didn't say these exact words - it was sexy. This bothered me a lot, though I can't say it really surprised me. These guys aren't surprised to see a picture like this. They see pictures like this (and worse) every day. This is normal in our culture. And they like it. They can get turned on at every turn. One guy at the factory, after we had argued for a while, finally said, "As a guy, I like the cover. As a person, I agree with you." As if those two things were different. It was as close as he came to saying that women should be valued, but men just don't.

A few girls at the factory seemed to think that the cover was fine. It looked nice, and hey, if that woman wanted to be photographed that way, why should we stop her? This made me sad, though it also didn't really surprise me. Women have been told so consistently by the media and the men in their lives that their value lies in their sexual attraction, that they start to believe that is really what they need to pursue. They have been told that if they give themselves away, they will be desired, and being wanted - even if it is in a perverted and objectified context - is better than not being wanted at all. Women have been told lies about who they are and what they should be, and many of them believe them.

A few months ago I was shopping in Toronto, and above the store American Apparel, there was a humongous picture of a topless woman wearing skin colored, skin-tight pants, with her back to the camera and leaning against a wall. It was pretty much disgusting, degrading, objectifying and enraging. I was really worked up, but I was by myself, so I just though about it for a while, and decided that I really didn't like the way that pictures like that are accepted in our culture, and how I never wanted to shop at that store and support a company that would promote themselves by using women as objects. Anyways, since then I have brought up that picture with a number of friends, since it sort of stuck with me. Not everyone thinks this is an issue. Not everyone thinks we should make a big deal about this. That makes me sad. I am not an object. I don't want to be whistled at and cat-called and given attention because I am a thing that some guy thinks he can use. I am precious. I know because God has told me I am. You are too. And as long as sexual images are accepted in culture, women will continue to be seen as objects.

This may not seem like the hugest deal ever in your own life (though I think that it is still a big problem for everyone in our culture) but the fact is that this type of mindset being so accepted encourages and continues to fuel prostitution and sex-trafficking. Women are being sold into a life of being used sexually by men and have no way to get out of it. Like that one quote from "Pornification Nation" (see last post), "If men stopped buying sex today, women wouldn't be trafficked tomorrow." The problem is bigger than just you and me. Something needs to change.

And so what? How can we ever change the face of our culture? Well, the only answer I can come up with is that my job is to do the small things that are in my reach that are consistent with my beliefs. This means that I am planning on talking to my boss about making a policy that they won't make agendas that have degrading pictures on them. It means that I try not to laugh at jokes that objectify women. It means that when I see a degrading photo being used to sell clothes, I boycott stores. You may think that these things won't do anything. Well, like everything in life, all I can do is what I can do. I have to believe that my little contribution does make a difference. I have to do my best to act in consistency with my beliefs. I'm not saying that this is the only issue out there. It is not. I'm not saying I've got it all together, and you should be doing some of these things and be more like me. I don't have it all together. I know that I am probably doing some things that are not consistent with my beliefs. Please point them out to me if you see them. I want my life to be a continual reshaping of who I am into someone a little more Christ-like. I have a long ways to go. The only way this happens is if we help each other, and when we are made aware of something, we show each other, so that we can push one another on to a higher standard. Let's keep pushing.

Okay, I could probably rant forever, so I'll just leave it at that.

2008-08-22T02:33:00.003-05:00

"American culture presents women as sexually available anywhere, anytime. If you look at fashion, literature, advertising, and entertainment, you see what some experts call the 'pornification' of culture."

"[Sexually toxic material] is so mainstream now, most people think, Whatever. Once people start accepting sexual images in daily life, they're not as shocked to encounter more explicit images in hard-core porn."

"Pornography fuels prostitution - and prostitution fuels sex trafficking."

"Pornography creates an environment that objectifies women."

"The average age for male exposure to porn is 11... such material conditions young boys - and males of all ages - who view it to think that this is normal human sexuality, that women enjoy being degraded."

"If men stopped buying sex today, women wouldn't be trafficked tomorrow. The equation is simple."

"I'm not going to revolutionize the state of American grocery stores. I need thousands of women across the country going to their grocery stores and saying, 'I find these magazines disgusting. I feel violated at my own grocery store. Please remove this material.' This effort takes time and energy. But surely some fed-up women will find the time to make a polite fuss at their local convenience stores."

"Just as this hypersexualized culture enslaves men to lust, it also deceives women into thinking only sexual appeal insures significance or desirability. Even if women aren't on the street selling sex, these trends still impact how women feel about themselves. American women today base much of their self-worth on how sexually attractive they think they are. When women wake up to what culture's doing to their husbands, children, and themselves, hopefully they'll take action."

- Excerpts from "Pornification Nation" in the May/June 2008 issue of "Today's Christian Woman"

2008-08-22T02:26:00.002-05:00

"The Christian rule is, 'Either marriage, with complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence.' Now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it now is, has gone wrong. One or the other. Of course, being a Christian, I think it is the instinct which has gone wrong.

But I have other Reasons for thinking so. The biological purpose of sex is children, just as the biological purpose of eating is to repair the body. Now if we eat whenever we feel inclined and just as much as we want, it is quite true most of us will eat too much: but not terrifically too much. One man may eat enough for two, but he does not eat enough for ten. The appetite goes a little beyond its biological purpose, but not enormously. But if a healthy young man indulged his sexual appetite whenever he felt inclined, and if each act produced a baby, then in ten years he might easily populate a small village. This appetite is in ludicrous and preposterous excess of its function.

Or take it another way. You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease act - that is, to watch a girl undress on stage. Now suppose you come to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on to the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that it contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us?"

- From Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis

:)

2008-08-06T18:05:00.002-05:00

I'm on vacation so I don't have much time. I guess I could have much time if I chose to have much time. But I'm choosing to not have much time. So far, so good. A few highlights in point form:
- Niagara Falls, (2nd time this summer? Crazy!)
- seeing Alisha (2nd time this summer? Crazy!)
- fireworks
- hiking in less than prime hiking gear
- watching and listening to a thunderstorm with my family while singing songs in the Adirondack Mountains
I love camping trips! I love my family! I love summer!
The end.

And the Correct Answer is?

2008-07-29T22:59:00.004-05:00

It sounds so lovely to say that you follow the Truth. It sounds so clear, so black and white. It sounds so obvious. Why wouldn't you want the Truth? These days, you hear a lot of people saying not so much that they don't want the truth, but more just that there is no truth to follow. "There is no absolute right and wrong. Just because something works for you doesn't mean it works for me. You do what you want but keep it to yourself." These types of statements generally rub me the wrong way. As a science-y person, I really like to find the right answer. I like to follow the equation, plug in the variables, and come out with THE answer. If someone doesn't come to the same conclusion as I do, then that means that one or both of us has it wrong. We should be able to go back and see where we went wrong. So all of this "there is no right answer" type of thought really doesn't jive with the way my brain works.

In the past while, I have started to realize that life isn't as black and white as I would like it to be. It isn't always easy to say without a doubt what is truth. So much seems open to interpretation. People disagree, but everyone (or at least many) have good reasons to think the things they do. In many cases, this is not hugely consequential. However, when we start talking about the big things: God and eternity, life and death, etc, it starts to seem a little more important to get it right. This is where it starts sounding really nice to say that you just follow the Truth. "The Bible right? I just read what it says and do it." I just finished reading the book "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell, and he addresses this type of thinking:

"The Bible has to be interpreted. Decisions have to be made about what it means now, today. The Bible is always coming through the interpretation of someone."

(As I write this quote I realize that it isn't all that amazing an excerpt. I mostly just wanted to give Rob Bell some of the credit for my thoughts on this) The thing is that if you want to do anything with the Bible beyond reading it - such as actually applying it to your life - you need to interpret the words you read and make judgment calls about what they meant and what they mean. And that means that when two people disagree about something, it's not so simple as going back and figuring out who is right and who is wrong. Shucks.

This sounds like I am on the road to saying there is no truth. And that is certainly not what I am doing. I believe that there is truth. It seems silly to me to not believe that. Take evolution for example. (By the way, from a faith perspective, this is one question that doesn't seem very important to me to find the right answer to, even if it could be determined. For curiosity's sake I am interested, but it doesn't affect what I believe about Jesus as far as I can tell) Some people say that over millions of years, animals evolved and became more and more advanced, and others say that God created the world in 7 days. Well, neither of those people were actually there when it happened, but that's not he point. The point is that SOMETHING happened. We got here somehow. Some people didn't get here through evolution and others were created on the 6th day. Maybe both those people are wrong, maybe one of them is, but they are not both right.

So where does all of this get me?

There is truth.

It's hard to find.

That's it? But what about in the Bible where it says, "I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6) "It says it right there, doesn't it? Jesus is Truth. End of story." Well, I guess I would say that is the bottom line. Jesus is the Truth. That is what we need to keep coming back to. But once again we come back to what it is we are going to do with the things Jesus taught, and the things that the people who knew Jesus taught. Well, I don't think we are ever going to figure out the whole truth in this world. I think there will be many situations where I will disagree with other people who are trying to follow Jesus about what he actually meant, or what he would want us to do today. I am coming to accept that as a fact. But accepting that doesn't mean that I don't think there is still truth. It just means we can't figure it out exactly.

So what? Do we just give up since we know we won't get it perfect anyways? No. Knowing that truth exists, I am determined to search after it. (Hey, this sounds familiar, like I've written it before...) I will search and search and search, and I will find some things. And I will probably (undoubtedly) get some things wrong. So will you. But if truth exists, it would be foolish to do anything except for devoting my life to finding it (or getting as close as possible).

2008-07-27T23:13:00.004-05:00

Oh, and if any of you people who actually read this are wondering when I will write something that actually matters at all again, let me tell you... I don't know. I have about 10 rants materializing in my head, I just have to decide which one of them (if any) deserves internet space. Don't worry, I have thought about more than just what you can blend in a BlendTec blender in the past few weeks, if you can believe it.

Will It Blend?

2008-07-27T23:07:00.001-05:00

Here is something that made me laugh:
http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx?type=unsafe&video=cube.

Cute Cute Cute

2008-07-13T22:33:00.004-05:00

My nephew is the cutest ever. I realize that I have a slightly biased opinion, but come on. Look at that. I have decided that I am not planning on having kids in the extremely near future, as there are many other things I want to do first, and also some things I need to do first (such as get married). So being an aunt (or tante, as I like to say) is pretty much as good as it gets on the kids front.

Night of Yay!

2008-07-11T03:57:00.003-05:00

Well, when I said that I would try to write something soon, I didn't actually mean less than 24 hours, but what do you know, I had a wonderful last hour. It is currently 3:58 in the morning, and I just got home from work. Although work wasn't the best ever, I discovered that tomorrw (actually today already) is slurpee day and 7/11 is giving away free ones, so me and Nashly and Vij decided to stop in for a slurpee on our way home. Well, my highly honed sweet talking skills came in handy, since apparently the giveaway isn't supposed to start till 7 am, which is a whopping 3 hours away, and the guy we talked to said he wasn't allowed to let us but we could talk to the the guy behind the counter, so I explained to the guy behind the counter (whose name was Horatio, and now looking back I really should have tried calling him "H" just for CSI Miami times sake) that we work the night shift and we wouldn't come back the next day for another slurpee if he would just let us have one now pretty please. And he let us. And I had a coffee flavored slurpee which, looking back, it is almost surprising that it tasted good.

Before you go telling me that my last hour of excitement was infinitely better than your last hour of boring sleep, let me tell you what else happened. That's right, there's more. Well, it was raining when we left work, and there was pretty regular and impressive lightning, which is already enough to make me in a good and smiley mood. But then the most amazing thing happened. We were on the cloverleaf at the perimeter and Pembina, and this prolonged and very bright flash of lightning flashed (what verb should I have used here? This sounds a little redundant) and it was so bright that it tricked the street lights that it was day time, and they all went out (or at least got very dim) for a few seconds before realizing that God tricked them and it was actually still night and then turned themselves back on. Then I realized that conveniently my Sheree Plett cd was in the player at that very moment, so I switched over to the track with the line,

"It's silent, just the crickets and my breathing
And the God above is practicing his flash photography"

I officially love night shift.

Hmmmm...

2008-07-10T12:25:00.004-05:00

Well, it has been brought to my attention that it is time to blog. The fact that this is the main reason why I am getting around to it at this moment suggests that this post does not have very much promise. But we'll see what I can come up with. At this point, it is a mystery even to me. Mysteries aren't all bad. They can be pretty good. Like Nancy Drew for example (great movie by the way, especially if you have amazing sisters and sister's friends like I do).

If you could be any animal, which animal would you choose to be and why? This is a question I used to ask people when I was in youth group to "break the ice". I always used to say that I would be a gorilla because then I could have hairy legs and not have to apologize for them. I don't know if I am a very good ice breaker. I sometimes try to talk to a person when I first meet them and I don't want them to feel awkward so I just talk and talk and talk and I get a little nervous so I don't talk as smoothly as I like to think is normal for me and then I finally let them speak, and when the "conversation" is done I feel foolish and wish I was one of those people who just didn't care if I didn't strike up conversation with a new person in the room. Anyways, to answer my own question, if I could be any animal, I would perhaps choose to be a blue whale. I actually probably wouldn't, but saying that gives me the opportunity to disclose a couple interesting facts I just learned. Did you know that baby blue whales gain a ton of weight every month when they are growing? And not "a ton" meaning "lots", but a real ton as in 2000 pounds (by the way I just looked up what a ton was in pounds because I didn't know. I'm Canadian, okay? We talk in tonnes, which I did know are 1000 kilograms. And while I'm at it, that means that a tonne is bigger than a ton, so if you ever feel like being difficult when someone says the word ton/ne you can ask them to clarify the spelling so you know what they mean). Crazy. Also, an adult blue whale's heart weighs 1000 pounds (or should I say, half a ton). Just think about that for a second. The heart of a blue whale is the size of like 7 grown adults. I love God. And biology.

Are you getting the idea that I'm kind of just writing down whatever comes to my mind that will take up space? Well, that's what I'm doing. Hmmm, maybe I will ask another question and then answer it in another poorly constructed paragraph. Oh, here's a good one. If you had to work a week of 10 hour days, which 10 hours would you choose them to be? Now, I have a little bit of an educated opinion on this one, because of all the possible answers, I have actually tested 2 of them. I would have to say that if I could choose when to work a 10 hour shift, it would start at 4 pm and go till 2 am. That is how I am feeling right now at least. This week I am working from 5 pm and 3 am, and it is almost great. It is a lot closer to what my body wants to do than when I work 7 am to 5 pm. If you work till 2, you get to bed by 3 and you sleep till 10. Then you have a good 5 hours in the nicest part of the day to relax and hang out with people before getting ready for work at 3. Yes, that would be great, don't you think? I think. Okay, I don't think this topic is really intersting for anyone anymore, including me.

That is all. Sorry if it left you hungering for more. I will try to have a more organized post that actually has a point in the near future.

Heart's Desire

2008-06-25T22:26:00.005-05:00

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

This verse sometimes seems to give people the impression that if they just humor God for a while and pretend like he is the most important thing, that eventually they will get what they are really looking for. But I don't think that's really how it goes. It kind of reminds me of something my dad used to say when we'd have peas for dinner (we still sometimes have peas, we just don't have to have this conversation anymore). If I'd whiningly ask "Do I have to have peas?" he'd reply, "Do you want them?" If I said no, then the answer was "yes, you have to," but if the answer was yes, then he would say, "then you don't have to, but since you want to, you will anyways." Pretty much, it was a lose-lose situation for me if I was hoping to get out of eating peas. But as far as my health was concerned, it was a win-win. There was no way I was getting out of eating those peas.

This verse kind of reminds me of that. If I hang onto all the things I think I want more than anything else, God might not give them to me. He might make my life full of a bunch of other things that I don't really think are what he should have given me. The verse doesn't say, "Make God one of your priorities and you will get all the things you always thought you wanted." The first step is to delight yourself in God. But as soon as you decide to delight yourself in the Lord, you are surrendering the desires of your heart. You are saying "God, here are the things I think I want, but most of all I want you," and allowing him to change your desires into something new. That is a hard thing. There are some things that I am pretty confident that I really do want. But I don't think that I can hang onto them as the be all and end all and still be truly "delighting myself in the Lord." If I make God my everything, if I let him "have the whole tree down" as C.S. Lewis says (see my last post), then he will give me the desires of my heart. But my heart will be changed when I make him my all, and my desires are bound to change with my changing heart. Am I willing to let them?

All of You

2008-06-25T22:09:00.003-05:00

"The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.'

Both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do. You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, 'Take up your Cross' - in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, 'My yoke is easy and my burden light.' He means both...

...Teachers will tell you that the laziest boy in the class is the one who works hardest in the end. They mean this. If you give two boys, say, a proposition in geometry to do, the one who is prepared to take trouble will try to understand it. The lazy boy will try to learn it by heart because, for the moment, that needs less effort. But six months later, when they are preparing for an exam, that lazy boy is doing hours and hours of miserable drudgery over things the other boy understands, and positively enjoys, in a few minutes. Laziness means more work in the long run. Or look at it this way. In a battle, or in mountain climbing, there is often one thing which it takes a lot of pluck to do; but it is also, in the long run, the safest thing to do. If you funk it, you will find yourself, hours later, in far worse danger. The cowardly thing is also the most dangerous thing.

It is like that here. The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precautions - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves', to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centered on money or pleasure or ambition - and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do. As He said, a thistle cannot produce figs. If I am a field that contains nothing but grass-seed, I cannot produce wheat. Cutting the grass may keep it short: but I shall still produce grass and no wheat. If I want to produce wheat, the change must go deeper than the surface. I must be ploughed up and re-sown."
- from Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis

What Time Is It?

2008-06-20T18:59:00.002-05:00

Here is a little diddy that I am singing today for reasons I'm sure you can figure out.

What Time is It?

What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
It's our vacation!
What time is it?
Party time!
That's right, say it loud.
What time is it?
The time of our lives!
Anticipation!
What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
School's out, scream and shout!

Finally summer's here
Good to be chillin' out
I'm off the clock (not)
The pressure's off
Now my job's what it's all about (not)

Ready for some sunshine
For my heart to take a chance
I'm here to stay
Not movin' away
Ready for a summer romance

Everybody ready, goin' crazy, yeah we're out.
Come on and let me hear you say it now, right now

What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
It's our vacation!
What time is it?
Party time!
That's right, say it loud!
What time is it?
Time of our lives!
Anticipation!
What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
School is out, scream and shout!

I've got no rules, no summer school
I'm free to coil till I drop
It's an education vacation
And the party never has to stop

I've got things to do, I'll see you soon
And I'm really gonna miss you all
I'll see you and you
And you and you
Bye bye until next fall

Everybody ready goin' crazy, yeah we're out
Come on and let me hear you say it now, right now

What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
It's our vacation!
What time is it?
Party time!
That's right, say it loud!
What time is it?
Time of our lives!
Anticipation!
What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
School's out, scream and shout!

Now I'm waking up at 6 am, cause coiling agendas is my role
Enough already, we're waiting, come on let's go... out of control

Paper cuts let's show them
Pay checks, I've earned them
Premier is my home
Navy and white

When it's time to work, I do it
When I come home I'll groove it
I'll live it up, party down
That's what the summer's all about

What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
It's our vacation!
What time is it?
Party time!
That's right, say it loud!
What time is it?
Time of our lives!
Anticipation
What time is it?
SUMMERTIME!
School's out, scream and shout!

From High School Musical 2 (a classic if there ever was one) with some modifications to fit my life.

PS - for those of you who don't have the weather channel on 24/7 at your house, the post time of this is significant. It is the first minute of the summer!

Personality Revamp

2008-06-12T21:50:00.006-05:00

I went through a moderate personal crisis the other day. I think I am getting over it, so don't go spending too much time worrying about me. Just in case you are curious to know what my crisis was about, I will tell you. You may or may not know and have taken a Myers-Briggs personality test in your day (if I know you from Prov, you probably have, because in my experience they are all the rage at Prov), but if you haven't you just might not get everything I say in the next few paragraphs. Tough.

I did my first personality test almost 2 years ago and discovered that I was an ENFP, which was fine with me and I really felt was a fairly accurate representation of my personality. However, in the past while I have had a few conversations with other people as well as with myself (don't you have conversations with yourself?) about things that bother me, and one of my biggest pet peeves I have discovered this year is when people cancel plans last minute. I never before realized how much this bothered me until this year. I have a pretty busy life, and I like people a lot, and I like a lot of people, and so in order to see them all and also get all of my work done, I generally have to plan ahead somewhat. What drives me crazy is when I book a night off for someone and refrain from making plans with other people and then I end up at home because someone realized they forgot about a prior commitment. I work hard to make sure that I am able to follow through on my commitments, and it irks me (yes, I did use that word) when other people don't do the same for me. On a slightly different topic (but enough the same one to stay in this paragraph), I find that I have developed a large amount of appreciation for being able to use time well. That means such things as: finishing assignments on time (even if they were only started hours before they were due), doing work when it needs to be done, keeping tabs on commitments, not spending vast amounts of time doing nothing, etc. The thing is, that I also like being able to enjoy my leisure time to the fullest. I don't want to waste away a day off - I want to relax to the max (is that a saying for real? because I feel like I just made it up right now). I feel like I can't do that unless I have finished what needs to be finished first. Then my mind can rest and I can REALLY have fun, without things I need to do still weighing on my mind. Okay, this is turning into a rant so I'd better move onto the next paragraph.

All that suggests that my former identification as a "P" is in no way possible. I have concluded that I am a "J", and I have done a couple tests in the last few days to check up on it. So that's that, apparently something has happened to me in the last yearish that has changed my personality type. Crazy. And since I base all of my self worth in the personality type that I am, you can see how this really was a hard week of soul searching and questioning who I really am (please understand that I like to use sarcasm [and brackets today apparently]).

So, in conclusion, I would like to suggest to all of you personality test junkies out there (I find that those who love personality tests are the same type of people that love blogs) that you don't have to become complacent and conform to the personality type that you once believed you were. Change is possible. Life is bigger than those 4 small letters. There are 8.

Peace

2008-06-01T21:05:00.003-05:00

It is so easy to be restless. It doesn't take many hours, or even minutes, of not thinking about my God who is in control before I start feeling unpeaceful and restless. "Unpeace". Apparently this is not a word, since my computer is underlining it in red as I write this, but I am going to leave it. I have used this word a lot in my talks with people throughout the year. Unpeace is the best way I can think of to describe the thing I am trying to describe. When your mind is rushing in all sorts of directions, or not going anywhere, and all you know is that something isn't right, that things aren't okay. It is the complete opposite of rest.

I think I experienced some of the greatest moments of unpeace in my life last summer. I didn't know what it was that was making me feel that way, and although I have been learning more about myself this year, I still don't know all the reasons why last summer I felt such inner turmoil. I feel like this year has been a journey back to a place of peace, and yet I still have moments and even whole days or weeks when I feel like things aren't okay and I need to do something to make them better. That's the problem: I keep looking for something that I can do. The thing is that the Person who can give me rest and make it all okay isn't me. I'm not the one who has to do anything.

We sang one of my very favorite hymns in church this morning. I had never heard the third verse before, but I found it when I searched for the lyrics and I figured I'd throw it in there. Here they are:

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide.
In every change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know his love, his heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From his own fullness all he takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

-Katherina von Schlegel, 1752 (translated by Jane Borthwick, 1855)

2008-05-28T16:56:00.003-05:00

Oh Lord, you're beautiful
Your face is all I see,
For when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.

Oh Lord, please light the fire
That once burned bright and clear.
Replace the lamp of my first love
That burns with holy fear.

I want to take your Word and shine it all around,
But first help me just to live it, Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown,
For my reward is giving glory to you.

2008-05-27T23:08:00.002-05:00

On a side note, I discovered two things at this wedding I attended last weekend:

1) I am actually capable of enjoying myself while dancing. (who knew?)

2) I don't enjoy being around drunk people very much.

That is all.

Looking for Love

2008-05-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

I love fairy tales. I think most people do. At least I think that most people, whether they would admit it or not, hope that their lives turn out to have fairy tale endings. Now before you go bursting my bubble, let me set your mind at ease. I realize that the chick flicks are not real life, I know that my Prince Charming will not ride up to my door at the exact moment I have given up hope that he even exists, and I sometimes even go into "Men suck" mode. To be honest, I may err more on the side of cynicism when it comes to love than anything else.

But even though there are times when I wonder if "true love" even exists in this world, I know that deep down I hope that it is true and that I will experience it one day. Maybe I'll step it down a notch. I don't hope that I am suddenly a character in a Hollywood drama. But I do very much want to find a man one day who knows me - really knows me - and loves what he sees. I want to find someone who I can laugh with and make jokes with and drink coffee with. I want to find someone who encourages me in the things I want to do with my life, and someone who I can encourage in their goals as well.

When it comes down to it, I want to find a person who I can care about more than anyone else, and I want him to care about me more than anyone else. But I've realized a few things. First of all, if what I'm looking for is someone to fill my need for relationship and my need for approval, then I am never going to find it in a relationship with another human. The reality is that the only time that hole in me is going to be filled is in a life after this one. I know that my heart is searching for something, that it is restless, and I also know that it is not going to find its rest until I meet Jesus face to face.

Another thing I have realized is that "finding someone" is not what life is about. I don't think that God has called us to marriage as a bottom line, and that we need to figure that out and then we can get on to whatever else it is he wants from us. I don't think that God wants me to hold back on making plans until I have found a person to share it with. Life is about Jesus - living for him and showing him to others - whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed. And no matter which of those categories you fit into, if anything or anyone other than Jesus is the most important thing, then you are missing the point. I am determined that whatever else happens in my life, it is going to be full and purposeful and fulfilling, and it is going to be that way because it is going to be centered on Jesus. That is my prayer, even when I feel like I need someone to go through it beside me.

I think that my job in life is to follow as best as I can the road that I feel God is mapping out for me. That sounds like I think he's just going to drop everything in my lap, and I most certainly do not think that. I know that God works in such a way that he gives us a choice with what we want to make our lives, and that sometimes we have to buck it up and go and work at something to get what we want. But I think that he does lead us in our decisions. I know that whatever happens, people will be a big part of my life, and I will have deep and meaningful relationships. That may or may not include a fantastic marriage relationship, but either way, I know that I will live and grow in relationships with people in this life. I was at a wedding last Saturday and that is what the sermon was about: character development in intense relationship. I thought it was wonderful because the pastor addressed all of the guests - married and unmarried - when he said that we need deep and meaningful relationships to develop our character. This is not a message for marrieds only. Marriage is not some club where real life starts and we can finally become the person God wants us to be. The question is, no matter where you are at in life, where is God leading you today? How is he calling you to change? Who is he calling you to impact? Because it is so easy to get inward focused and start concentrating on my life and my friends and my money, but that is not the right mindset. No matter what comes my way, the real questions should never be about me, but rather about others.

God blesses his people. Marriage is one of those blessings, but it is not the only one. I am confident that God has blessings in store for me, and I can rest in that, even in not knowing what they are or when they will come.

2008-05-20T00:04:00.002-05:00

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round and pluck blackberries.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

2008-05-12T16:53:00.002-05:00

An excerpt from "The Screwtape Letters":

Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. .... He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

- C. S. Lewis

The If-Only Game

2008-05-07T00:10:00.001-05:00

Well, summer has begun, but work has not yet. That is okay with me, because I know that it will start, and once it does, I think I will feel like I deserved this time off, even if I don't feel that way right now. So far I have taken a wonderful trip to Toronto where I visited a wonderful cousin and a wonderful friend, read a couple of books, cut my hair, gone to play pool and have bubble tea, gone for my first run in too long (I know it's too long because of how my legs felt afterward), and ate a lot of really really amazingly delicious food. I have also been doing some thinking, some of it aimless and some of it more directed. I figured I should actually write something on here,since it's been a while, so I'll see what I come up with.

Sometimes when my mind is running through thoughts but I am not really directing it - just letting it wander where it will - I get into a sort of cycle that gets me nowhere. The cycle goes something like this: "Remember the time when (insert memory here) happened? Wasn't that a wonderful time in life? Didn't I feel great? Wouldn't it be great if life were still that way? Why isn't life that way? Should I be doing something differently? I think I've done everything I can, and life is where it needs to be right now. Well, if I've done all I can or should, then I might as well be happy where I'm at and trust God to lead me on to the next thing." It is a cycle that starts with random happy memories, progresses through discontent and then ends in acceptance and peace and hope. At least that's where I hope the cycle ends. The thing about a cycle is that it doesn't really end, but just goes around and around, and sometimes it feels like it ends at the discontent stage.

I am reading a book called "The Shack" right now, and I read something the other day that I thought related to this cycle I get myself in. William Young writes, "It is so easy to get sucked into the if-only game, and playing it is a short and slippery slide into despair... if only, if only if only. And then to have it all come to nothing."

That sounds like a little bit of a depressing statement. But really, I think that realizing this trap is the best way to get out of this cycle, or at least to know how to deal with it when it starts. It is so easy to get frustrated with where I'm at and wish that I could either go back to a time in the past or jump forward to some future time, but the problem with that is that I can't do anything to get me to those times. All I will ever have is this moment, and playing the if-only game doesn't get me anywhere besides into a mood of discontent. I think that as I get older and experience more of life, I come to see more and more that I need to make the most of the time that is now, because to focus on anything else gets me nowhere. Has any of this made any sense? I don't really know, but that's okay because this is my blog and that's what was in my head as I wrote it. I'm living in the moment, okay? And now perhaps I will make the most of the next 8 hours of moments and get some sleep. Or maybe I could make it more like the next 10 hours of moments. Like I said, work hasn't started yet.

Own Me

2008-04-21T21:59:00.004-05:00

Music is a wonderful thing. It connects with the soul in a way that words cannot express, and sometimes I hear a song that feels like it is coming from the essence of who I am. And since the words aren't all of what makes a song good (and often not anywhere close to all), putting them on my blog really doesn't do them justice, but the words are good just the same. And also, with 4 exams left to go, I just don't have time to put anything up here besides the lyrics to a song that was in my head today.

Own Me

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws growing longer every day;
If I keep pluggin' away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain
And all of my laws just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You in all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed

Own me, take all that I am,
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me.

You call me Daughter,
And You take my blame;
And You run to meet me
When I cry out Your name.
So I fall before You in all of my shame,
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Own me, take all that I am
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me.

-Ginny Owens

I Like

2008-03-24T15:46:00.003-05:00

Every once in a while something occurs to me that makes me ridiculously happy. Sometimes it is something that really isn't that significant to the typical person, and that some would roll their eyes at me for enjoying as much as I do. And then there are some things that make me ridiculously happy that make a lot of people ridiculously happy, and those ones less people make fun of me for (although there are a few people in my life who would pretty much take any opportunity to make a little bit of fun of me). Understandably, there are also those things that irritate me to no end, and for some of these things I have a fair amount of support in my frustration, and others are pretty much unexplainable, and maybe just weird. Apparently this is the most blog-worthy thing bouncing around my head right now.

This year, I have been surprised at how incredibly irritated I am when boys wear pants that do not fit them. First of all, I don't understand how it can possibly be comfortable to wear baggy jeans all the time. Secondly, it looks terrible. Now, if the reader happens to be a baggy pants wearing male, I apologize if I have offended you, but I will not take back my opinion. Baggy pants look bad. Baggy pants make me gag a little bit. But then, my gag reflex is quite reflective.

Some other things that potentially excite my gag reflex: hair in the shower, the smell of garlic on the breath of other people, the taste of garlic in my mouth hours after the reality of garlic in my mouth, unidentified mushy food at the bottom of the sink, the memories that the scent of green apple Palmolive bring to mind, ranch dressing, commercials on TV, TV in general, shopping malls on a "Janna hates consumerism" type day, the abundance of cell phones everywhere (including in front of me in class, all around me on the bus, during prayer at a church event, and during conversations with people), the ten minutes before a performance...

Now for some happier things:
I love cold nose. Not the cold nose you get when it is -40 out and you get frostbite and your nose falls off and you have to have reconstructive plastic surgery. But the cold nose you get when it is late fall or early spring, and you go for a walk, and it is too cold to do away with a jacket, but not so cold that it hurts, and your nose starts running just a little bit, and you know that it isn't the same as a runny nose you get when you are sick, and you don't even really realize that your nose is cold and then you touch it and it is cold, but it just makes you feel alive and happy and fresh. I got cold nose yesterday, and it was wonderful.

Some other things that make me happy: driving through the night, burnt marshmallows, writing exams (but not studying for them), green beans, rainy Mondays, waking up in the middle of the night, airports, scabs that fall off in one piece with no bleeding, tulips, the yellowness of my yellow jacket, wet sandy feet, run-on sentences and made up words when they are intentional...

... to name a few...

Whatever You're Doing

2008-03-03T22:04:00.002-06:00

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything. I surrender...

To whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

-Sanctus Real

A Hard Lesson

2008-02-15T22:20:00.003-06:00

I remember when I was growing up (I suppose that process isn't done yet) and I would hear people say "People will let you down Janna, and you will let others down, because we just aren't perfect." And I never had much of a problem with that. Sure, people would let me down, sure I would let people down. That's life, right? Well, it was easy to say that was fine at the time, because until recently, I didn't really realize what that meant. I mean, I understood what the words meant, but it didn't seem serious, because I hadn't actually experienced any major disappointment in people. Sure, I had been disappointed in people from time to time, and my feelings had been hurt, but never to the point where I actually wondered if relationships were worth it. I think I have had an uncommonly fortunate time of life for most of mine, and I really didn't feel like people would let me down majorly.

This year has kind of hit me with the fact that people will let me down. It has seemed strange to me at times this year why sometimes all the hard stuff hits you at once. It's not like my life sucks by any means. I recognize that I am incredibly blessed, and I have a lot of hope for the future. But I have experienced what feels like a string of disappointments in people this year, and there have been times when I have wondered why I ever let myself trust others in the first place. Because as soon as I let myself depend on anyone, it seems that they let me down. I can feel myself losing my faith in people.

But isn't that what people were telling me was going to happen all along? Isn't that what I was expecting? And now what? Do I stop letting myself trust people just because I am starting to realize the power I am giving others to hurt me?

Here's what I think. People are worth the hurt. No matter how many times I get let down, disappointed, angry or hurt, I am deciding that I will continue to put my heart on the line, because people are what life is all about. But, even more than that, I hope that in the times when I am let down and disappointed, I will run to the feet of the One who will never let me down. Because though I may let myself trust people, that is not where my hope lies.

I was thinking the other day of feelings of disappointment in people, and I wondered why I kept setting myself up to get hurt, and was feeling a little sorry for myself. And then it occurred to me that if anyone knows what it feels like to be hurt over and over again, it's God. Over and over, I have put other people ahead of him, forgotten the promises I made to him, ignored him, and in the process, broken his heart. And yet, I believe that he keeps putting his heart on the line, full of hope that I will make good on my promises.

So I am determined to take his lead, continue to give people my trust, knowing that I am also giving them the chance to hurt me. But always realizing that no matter what, there is someone who understands my heart more than anyone I could ever hope to meet.

Lent

2008-02-05T21:31:00.000-06:00

Lent starts tomorrow. I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to give anything up for it this year. I have often given up something or other in the past, but I don't know how useful it has been. One year I gave up chips - maybe the was just a "Christian" reason to diet. Another year I gave up television. I suppose that even if I didn't end up spending more time with God, at least I was wasting less time on the couch. After a few years of such sacrifices, I think I got tired of giving things up just for the sake of giving things up. And so for the last couple of years, I don't think I have. Well, I think I have come to a decision that I do want to give something up this year. And the things I was considering aren't things that are bad in and of themselves. And the thing I have decided on won't necessarily bring me closer to God, but I am going to set my mind to it anyways. For two reasons. First of all, I think that discipline is a good thing, and that by forcing myself to do without something that I am used to, I will learn something about self control and will power. Secondly, I do think that in the moments where it is hard and I wonder why I decided that this was a good idea, I will remember that the reason for this season is to spend time contemplating the time Jesus spent on this earth, and thinking about what that means to me.

So, what could I give up? My first idea was coffee. I knew as soon as it occurred to me that I didn't really feel like giving this up. But then, the only thing worth giving up is something that is going to be tough. I would like to say for the record that the reason I am not giving up coffee is not because I am addicted. I sometimes go a day or two with no coffee, and do not experience headaches. However, I do enjoy drinking coffee, and more than that, I enjoy the conversations that I have when I go out for coffee with friends. I find that it encourages conversation. And I just really like it.

My next idea was facebook. This one sounded pretty good to me too. And I do think that I am going to intentionally spend a little less time on facebook. I don't have a problem with facebook per se... well actually, that might be a lie. I don't really find that facebook encourages people to be very real, and also I find that I generally sign off in a less good mood than when I signed in. This suggests that perhaps it is not the best way to spend my time. I do have some friends that I communicate with primarily through facebook, however, and so I decided to allow myself to continue to use it.

And so I was beginning to think that maybe I wouldn't give anything up this year... until tonight, when something occurred to me that will be hard, but I think also good. Anyone who has taken the time to read this probably rolled their eyes when I declined to give up coffee, and was probably thinking, "she just didn't want to try that hard." Well, if you know me at all, you will know that this is something that will also be very hard for me. I am going to try my best to give up the snooze button. I often press snooze over and over again for up to an hour in the morning, and all that time could be used more productively, I think. So I am going to try to set my alarm for the time when I actually plan to get up, and then get up right aways and spend a bit more of my "waking" hours doing productive things, hopefully including more time with God (and maybe drinking more coffee...joking). I thought that writing it on here would help to keep me accountable. If you read this, feel free to ask me how it's going. Like I said, I'm going to do my best. This is going to be hard.

Will They Know We Are Christians By Our Love?

2008-02-02T00:59:00.000-06:00

So I have decided that I really don't agree with all Christians about the most effective way to spread the Gospel. I have been really frustrated recently because a Christian group at the university is putting on an event called "DGE" which stands for Does God Exist? They are hosting a few different discussions/debates, including a debate between an atheist and a Christian, a session titled, "Can a scientist believe in God?" one called, "Does Intelligent Design Explain Biological Life," and, my personal favorite (not), "Stump the Christian."

Now, I realize that Jesus was very clear in his commission to us to "make disciples of all nations," and I also realize that this group at school is truly trying to live this out. However, I have also come to the conclusion that this is not the most effective method of showing people what Jesus was all about. I'm reading a commentary on the Gospel of John by William Barclay, and in it he says, "Not very many people have ever been argued into Christianity. Often our arguments do more harm than good." I really think this is true. From the conversations I have been involved in on this topic, and on any topic related to faith and morality, when people start arguing about opinions, people are rarely convinced. This is how I feel about these debates and sessions at school. I feel like everyone is going to come with their own predecided beliefs, and they will be willing to spout their opinion, and unwilling to listen to anyone else's. And I am generally the same way. I don't give people who say that Christianity isn't true much of my true respect and attention. If I know that someone is setting out to prove my faith wrong, I probably won't give them much to work with. When people set out to debate, walls go up, doors close, and bitterness often sets in. To me it seems like this is much more likely taking several steps back rather than moving forward in spreading the Good News.

Okay, so I disagree with this method of "evangelism." So what? What do I believe would be better? It's one thing to disagree with someone's methods, but the only way that holds any steam is if I show I'm doing something myself. William Barclay went on to say, "The only way to convince a man of the supremacy of Christ is to confront him with Christ. On the whole it is not argumentative and philosophical preaching and teaching which have won men for Christ; it is presentation of the story of the Cross." Hmmm. So what does that look like? How do I "confront people with Christ" without becoming "argumentative and philosophical"? Well, for one thing, I know I have a long way to go. I know I am not doing all I can to show Christ to the people around me. But I do think that the first step is to love people. Not to tell them about Jesus because you feel obligated, or there is some quota of people to tell every day, but to first build a relationship. To show a person by repeated experiences that you care about them, not just about whether or not they stop drinking, or start going to church. To show people what love really looks like, and for that love to be real, not a show or an obligation, or a conditional arrangement that will disappear if they refuse the Gospel. A love that really loves.

Wow, that all might sound good, but now what? Well, I am trying to start conversations. I am trying to open doors to relationships that can develop and go deeper. At least I am trying to try. Most of all, I am praying that God will fill me with his love for the people around me. And if I am filled with that love, then I know that the people around me will be confronted with Christ. Lord, may it be so.

Am I For Real?

2008-01-22T13:14:00.000-06:00

I read this article in the Christianity Today last month. I have thought about this before, and though I could type my own words and thoughts, I think Erik Thoennes did a better job, so I will rather write his words. Since he uses italics in the article, I used bold print for the stuff I particularly liked.

Hour of Decison - by Erik Thoennes
"My favorite question to ask Christians is how they came to trust in Christ. The answers I've heard testify to the diverse experiences God uses to bring people into a relationship with himself. Most commonly, people say they trusted him as a child at camp or at Sunday school or while praying with a parent. They often follow with something like, 'But my faith really became my own when I was a junior in high school.'

How are we to understand this variety of experiences and the apparent two-stage process many seem to undergo in arriving at saving faith? The term saved is popularly used to refer to regeneration and justification. But when the Bible uses the word salvation in a spiritual sense, it describes the broad range of God's activity in rescuing people from sin and restoring them to a right relationship with himself. Salvation in the Bible thus has past, present, and future tenses. A believer has been saved from the guilt of sin (justification, see Eph. 2:8), is being saved from the power of sin (sanctification, see 1 Cor. 1:18), and will be saved from the judgment and presence of sin (glorification, see Acts 15:11).

While subjective experience of being saved may look very different from person to person, the objective state of being saved is definite and absolute. From God's perspective, there is a definitive point in time when those who have trusted in Christ pass from death into life (1 John 3:14)

Whether or not one can remember the moment of spiritual rebirth, it is a miracle that initiates a number of new realities. Through the work of the Holy Spirit in regeneration, the spiritually dead person is made alive in Christ (Titus 3:5). The convert's filthy rags of self-righteousness have been traded for the perfect righteousness of Christ (Phil. 3:8-9). He or she can cease striving to be justified, resting instead in the finished work of Christ (Phil. 2:8-9). As Paul writes, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). The believer has "crossed over from death to life" (John 5:24), which means that the person can "have confidence on the day of judgment" (1 John 4:17).

Much of American Protestantism has been influenced by revivalism, which places great emphasis on "making a decision for Christ" in a public, definitive way. These "moments of decision" often become the crucial evidence that one is saved. Other Protestant traditions, less influenced by revivalism (including some Reformed and Lutheran churches), may be content to leave the conversion experience unclearly identified, putting the focus on identification with the church. Both of these traditions have benefits, as well as potential problems.

The decision approach rightly emphasizes the need for a personal commitment to Jesus Christ and the idea that regeneration takes place at a specific time. The potential downside is that this view can lead to a simplistic, human-centered understanding of being saved, where one depends too heavily on the specific act of trusting Christ as the primary evidence of conversion. As a result, one can doubt the "decision" was real, leading to numerous journeys down the aisle (just in case). Also, one can depend on the walk down the aisle alone, even in the absence of spiritual fruit.

On the other hand, Reformed traditions appreciate the sovereignty of God and the role of the church in the salvation process. Yet they can leave conversion so vague that the need for personal trust in Christ and a changed life is neglected.

We must allow for the varied experiences God uses to bring people to himself. As C. H. Spurgeon said, 'The Spirit calls men to Jesus in diverse ways. Some are drawn so gently that they scarcely know when the drawing began, and others are so suddenly affected that their conversion stands out with noonday clearness.'

For those who question their salvation, the best evidence is not the memory of having raised a hand or prayed a prayer. Nor is it having been baptized or christened. The true test of the authentic work of God in one's life is growth in Christ-like character, increased love for God and other people, and the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-25; James 2:18). A memorable conversion experience may serve as an important referent to God's saving work in one's life. But the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit in making a person more like Jesus is the clearest indicator that one has been made a new creation in Christ."

When Nothing Satisfies

2007-12-20T00:12:00.000-06:00

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So I have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
Know there's nothing that I can't abide

When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your Light Lord,
And send forth Your Truth
Let them guide me to your Holy Place
Then will I go to the Altar of God
To my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Why are you so downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
My Savior, my King
My Savior, my King

When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

-Jennifer Knapp

Anger

2007-12-08T00:34:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I have wondered if I get mad too much. I get worked up by something that happens, or by something that I hear or read. I get angry in conversations with people, I get mad when I see people doing things they shouldn't be doing. Sometimes it really doesn't take too much to get me really riled up.

I just watched a NOOMA video. I am sure that some of you are familiar with these. The guy who hosts them is named Rob Bell, and some of the things he says really get me thinking. The video I just watched was called "Store" and it was about anger. Rob Bell talks about how if you walk around our society, you are bound to see rage all around. People flipping others off in traffic, people losing it in line at the grocery store, the examples really aren't too hard to think of. There are people walking around who are just ready to explode with anger. He then goes on to talk about how anger is a normal emotion, and the important thing isn't to avoid getting angry, but rather to figure out what is making us angry, and where our anger is leading.

The passage of Scripture used in the video was Mark 3:1-5. This is the story where Jesus is about to heal a man on the Sabbath, and the teachers of the law are waiting to accuse him for it. It says that Jesus looked at them in anger, because they were too stubborn to see the truth. Jesus got angry. And he used his anger for a cause. He healed the man with the crippled hand. Rob Bell says that Jesus' anger "increases the peace of the world. It leads to this good deed that makes things better." He goes on to talk about how our anger can lead to selfish ends, or we can use anger to lead to things that are good and beautiful. And then he said something that I really liked:

"When we are talking about calling and mission and vocation and purpose, what we're going to give our lives to, one of the questions we often ask is, 'What do you love?' But there's another question that we can ask. 'What makes you angry?'"

Wow! Isn't that something to think about? Obviously there are lots of things that people get angry about that really aren't important at all, but what about the things that do matter? What are the things that are bigger than you that make you mad? What are the causes that you get really worked up about that you realize something needs to be done about? What are the issues that make you so mad that it hurts? Isn't that where we should be living and working and spending ourselves? Yours might not be the same things that get me mad, but that's good, because there are far too many things that need to be changed in this world for any of us to take care of all of them. Anger has this energizing effect. It gets you going and makes you act. Things get done when anger is behind them. And often the results aren't pretty. We should be using that motivation for something good. Rob Bell talked about how the people he knew who had given their lives to a cause were usually the ones who didn't get worked up about the unimportant everyday incidents that happened. They were the ones who had figured out how to use their anger for good, because life is about something bigger than them. Some things are going on in the world that somebody needs to get angry about, and that anger is only good for anything if it leads to action. Maybe God wants to do something through that anger that is inside you and me. Maybe it is there for a reason.

So, what makes you angry?

A Game for You

2007-12-03T20:06:00.000-06:00

We got a new Crisis Pregnancy Center newsletter today, and as usual, it contained some silly tidbits in the midst of the news. Included was the following paragraph, and there are 16 books of the Bible hidden in this paragraph. Me and my mom found them in about 20 minutes. See if you can find them all:

"I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help find them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books of the Bible in this paragraph."

Evolving Thoughts

2007-11-28T13:25:00.001-06:00

I feel like I am searching for something. And I hope that the something I am searching for is truth. It is tempting sometimes (even though we would never say it this way) to search for confirmation of ideas we already have rather than search for truth. It is easier and less scary to look for back up to our preconceived notions than it is to consider that we might actually have to alter our ideas a bit. But, when we talk about what we are looking for, I think that most people would say they want to find truth. This is a good goal. It is a good thing to look for what is true, to look for fact. If we aren't looking for that, we are attempting to trick ourselves into believing something that isn't real. But, since we generally don't actually think about what we are REALLY looking for, and rather just start the looking, we may well be telling ourselves it is truth when it might be something quite different.

The specific situation that brought this thought to mind was a biology class I was in the other day. Here in university biology, evolution is an assumed fact. There is no talk of alternatives. The prof started off the class by telling us that although evolution is called a "theory," that word means something different in science than it does in everyday English. He went on to say that the theory of evolution has more evidence to back it up than does the subatomic theory of matter, which everyone accepts as absolute fact. I didn't think this was going to bother me. I have always thought that whatever the science is telling us happened, I can reconcile that with my beliefs. I feel that I don't need to run away from what science is telling me, that I can embrace it, and at the same time embrace my faith. I still think this is true, BUT, I got an uneasy feeling in my stomach about halfway through the lecture. Something occurred to me that I hadn't thought much about before.

Okay, I have way too many thoughts bouncing around my head that are related to this to ever get them organized, so I am just going to start typing them out, and hopefully they will make some amount of sense to the people who bother to read them.

I started feeling a little angry at my prof. I was thinking, "What does he know, anyway?" And, the fact is, he knows a lot of things. He is a very intelligent, learned man who has way more education than I do. That is why he is a prof at the university. That is why students believe the words he says. And I am very confident that he believes he is telling them the truth. Maybe he is. The reality is that one of the best places to go to find out more information about a subject are the people who have spent their lives researching it. Obviously it would be best if we could go look at the hard evidence ourselves, but that is usually not an option. This applies to learning all sorts of things. When we are young, we believe our parents when they say that the letters g-o-o-d spell good. When we are in school, we believe our teachers when they say that the ancient Egyptians built the pyramids. Some things I can learn by myself, like the fact that I will burn myself if I put my hand on the stove, but for a lot of things, I just need to take someone's word for it. It is the same way with my teachers. Most of the things they teach me they have learned through the words of someone who knew more than them. And up and up the chain it goes, with each person accepting the words of the person above them. I read an article that talked about how any evidence that may have arisen that doesn't support the theory of evolution is suppressed from the public eye. This can happen because the people who are at the top of the chain of knowledge are the ones who tell everyone below them what to believe. It is a little frightening to think that a lot of the things we "know" are simply just things we have heard someone respectable say at some point. This isn't just about biology and evolution. This is about Christianity and faith as well. How many of the things that I "know" about God are things I have actually studied in the Bible and concluded for myself, and how many of them are things I heard a pastor or prof say at some point and accepted it blindly? But then, what basis to I have to really challenge somebody who has put their life's work into studying the very thing I am questioning? Scary stuff, I think.

Another thing that I started to feel as I sat in biology class and as I read a few articles was that everyone is a little bit off. I don't necessarily mean that they are factually wrong in the things they say (although sometimes that is true too) but more that the whole mindset - the whole reason we are actually looking, and the thing we are looking for - is wrong. I don't feel that this only applies to the scientists looking for answers either. I think this goes for Christians trying to interpret Scripture as well. As I read and listened and thought, it seemed to me that everyone is fighting to get everyone else to believe them, and to adopt the same view of life as they have. Everyone is trying to convince everyone else that they are right. This is natural for us humans of course, but I think that we should be putting our effort into something else. Instead of taking our opinion and trying to convince as many people as possible to think similarly, we should be looking at how we can come more closely in our ideas and beliefs to what is actually truth. Of course, there comes a time when we should be helping others towards a more right view, but I think it is much more common that people are trying to bring others towards their view rather than the truth.

Okay, next thought. I started feeling like we are all missing something really big. Like we think we know what the whole argument is about, but really we are way off base. I feel like not only do people (including Christians) not agree on this subject (and many others), but we don't even understand what the argument is really about in the first place. I feel like we have all grown up with a certain idea of what the world is, who God is, and how the physical and spiritual worlds are connected, and although we may realize that our ideas can't be perfectly right, we can't take ourselves outside of them and look at what is really going on here. Last year in sociology, we talked about different cultures, and how some cultures do things that another culture would see as wrong, but it is wrong because of cultural norms, not because of actual virtue. Although someone may realize that they have the tendency to evaluate things from their cultural bias and try to remove themselves from it, that cannot fully be done. We may want to look at a situation objectively - outside of the biases of our culture - but the fact is we are in our culture, and we can never completely remove ourselves from it. We are so enculturated that even the way we think is affected. We can never judge a situation completely objectively - our culture and resulting biases inevitably come through. I feel like a similar thing goes on when we think about evolution, faith, and God in general. We try to look at it all for what it is. We want to find out what really happened, and what is really happening. But the problem is that we are stuck in a mindset. Each one of us has our own biases that play into the way we think about these things. On a larger scale, though, I feel like the whole world collectively has a sort of "global enculturation": that people in general have a way of thinking about things, and we are a little off. The thing is that even if we realize we are thinking about things in the wrong way, we can't escape it. Bias isn't the right term for this, I don't think. It is more of a worldwide understanding of how we talk and think about the basics in life. I feel like the scientists who are researching evolution are stuck in this skewed mindset, and I feel like the theologians discussing spiritual matters are victims to it as well. We are all stuck.

So my thoughts have lead me in what has at times been a depressing journey of thought. Where are we ever going to find truth? Not what our friends, teachers and pastors say is truth, but what really IS truth? We are subjected so easily (and so necessarily) to our biases, to the opinions of those who are above us, and to our desire and belief that we are in the right, is there any hope that we can ever really find truth? Well, I suppose not really. Not in this life, anyways. We will never have things totally figured out. We will always be biased, we will never quite see the grand scheme of things the way they actually are. We are stuck in a mindset that is too small to see the big picture. BUT, this doesn't mean that we just sit here and accept that. Knowing that we can never fully understand the truth, we still push forward with the wisdom given us, and chase after truth. We realize we won't ever quite get there. We certainly aren't there yet, but progress is still to be made. It is similar to our feeble Christian attempts to be godly. We know that we will slip up, and we can't be perfect in our bodies as they now are. But none of that is to say we should sit in our sin and accept it. We need to push on and strive for perfection, even though we know it isn't quite within our grasp. Truth may be eluding us, but may we never give up on pursuing it.

Someone Searching

2007-11-22T17:17:00.000-06:00

Face lost in the crowd
Feet wandering empty streets
Voice crying out loud
Heart aching with every beat

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone?
Searching for
Someone searching

Soul battered and bruised
Pride wounded and left for dead
Ears deaf to good news
Eyes tear-drenched and sleepless red

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone?
Searching for
Someone searching

Oh I hear the cry
And I know the pain
Can it be denied?
That everyone has been and will be
Someone searching

Love standing alone
Hands scarred by the nails of hate
Hope suffering long
Faith urging that it's not too late

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Loving, longing
Always there's someone
Searching for
Someone searching

-Ginny Owens

2007-11-13T22:46:00.001-06:00

"The center of me is always and eternally a terrible pain - a curious wild pain - a searching for something beyond what the world contains."
-Bertrand Russell

I just finished reading "Disappointment with God," by Philip Yancey, and in the last couple of pages I found this quote. I definitely have thoughts on it, that I will maybe write about sometime, but they are not formed enough at this point. So I will leave it at that for now.

Me vs. Myself

2007-11-09T13:23:00.000-06:00

There is a fight going on inside my head between two different voices. Now before you go diagnosing me with multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia, please realize that i am being a little bit figurative. I know that these two voices are both me, but they are not agreeing. They are sending me very mixed messages, or I suppose, I am sending myself very mixed messages.

The first voice keeps saying, "Hang on, Janna. Don't give up." And the other voice is saying, "Let go! It's not worth it. There is more out there than this. More out there than you can even imagine." I have a hard time with this argument because I can see so much logic behind both of the arguments. I suppose it makes sense that in an argument I'm having with myself, both of the participants would be quite logical, like I coincidentally am also.

The first voice appeals to my sense of commitment, and also to my idealism. Although I have quit at a few things in my life (working at a call center, an English class in high school...), I would hate to think of myself as a quitter. Quitting is something I have been taught not to do. When I start something, I need to work at it. When it gets hard, I need to work at it harder. If someone would tell me I should quit something just because it was hard, I would tell them they should learn how to stick to something even when it is hard. I have learned in my life that often the best experiences are only discovered when I push through a hard time, trusting that it will be worth it.

And that's where the appeal to my idealism from the first voice comes in. Along with my value of commitment comes a belief deep down inside that I can find the good - in a situation, in a relationship, in the world - if I just work hard enough. I have this hope that what convinced me in the first place to commit to something will prove true. That it will be worth it in the end.

And then there is the second voice telling me to let go. Although this voice is telling me to move in the opposite direction, I see logic in this argument as well. As much as I may be in the habit of hanging on and seeing things through, I also know that life is bigger than what I can see. I know that there are some things that you can only experience if you let go of other things. I know that some experiences are mutually exclusive, and that by choosing one, I may be closing the door on another, potentially better one. I suppose the second voice is telling me not to settle. Not to let what comes easiest be the automatic decision.

When I first realized that this argument was going on in my head, I felt like the first voice was telling me to hope, and the second voice was telling me to give up. And so I was resistant to the second voice. But I think that both these voices are telling me to hope. They are both rooted in a deep hope that I can find what is best in life. The first hopes that I already have found what is best, and with enough work it will become that. The second hopes that although I haven't yet, I can still find what I am looking for.

And so I think there is a third voice inside. A third voice that is telling me not to hope. A voice that says I should give up and stop searching for what I'm looking for (I don't necessarily know what this is yet). This voice has some truth in it too. This voice says, "Look at how much it hurts when you hope and get disappointed. Look at how much it hurts. Is it worth it? This can happen again. This will happen again. Is it really worth it?" And part of me says, "No, it's not worth it. Why do I torment myself with this hope? I just keep getting myself hurt." And another part of me - the part that the first two voices come from - says, "It is worth it! It may hurt to hope and get disappointed, but it will hurt more to never hope at all." And this is the strange thing. Hope hurts. Hoping is setting yourself up for disappointment. But without risking disappointment, you will never experience what life can really be. You will never experience the joy of hope.

And so, the battle between the voices in my head continues on. Voice One is ahead one day, Voice Two wins out the next. And to be honest, there are times when Voice Three seems to be the only voice I can hear. But Voice Three - although it musters up its strength and swings with all its might (and sometimes it can be pretty strong) - can't win in the end, because it is outnumbered. Voice Three will always lose, because more than anything else I know, I know with all that is in me that there is hope. There has to be.

Some Things I Know (...and a few that I don't)

2007-11-06T14:16:00.000-06:00

Today I am confused about how God leads us. I am convinced that he does lead us. I know that God can guide us through life in a way that is really quite incredible, and that looking back at my own life, I can see places where he has been at work. My problem isn't with how God has worked in my past, but today I don't know what to think of how he will work in the future. I want to just sit back and say, "God's got it all under control, Janna. Don't worry about a thing." And part of that is true. I don't need to worry. God is sovereign. Things will be okay. But I know another truth. I know that I have free will. I know that God lets me make mistakes. And today I am scared that my mistakes will stop God from guiding me where he wants me to go.
I think that there is a difficult balance that needs to be met here. On the one hand, I need to be active in seeking out God's will and using my head to make wise decisions. On the other hand, I need to learn how to rest in God's ability to work, even through my foolishness, even through my panic and worry. This is really hard. I think I have a slight addiction to impatience. I want God to show me where he's taking me, and I want him to show me NOW. I feel like a little girl who whines to Daddy to give me what I want. I feel restless and unsure and scared.
Sometimes these thoughts and feelings spiral downward until I don't feel like I can take it anymore. But the thing is, I don't really have a choice. At some point, after all of my struggling and worrying and effort, I need to come to a place where I decide that I've done all that I can, and I need to trust God to take care of the rest. And with that trusting that God has it under control comes trusting that he can even work through my mistakes. That he will work through my mistakes. That doesn't mean that it will all be perfect. It doesn't mean that no matter what I do, God will cause it to come to the same conclusion. I do have free will, and I can change the path that my life will take. My actions do have consequences. What it does mean, is that though I will make mistakes, God will not let that stop him from leading me. It means that he will be with me, guiding me every step of the way, through the joys and hurts and the mess ups. It means that I can have hope for the future, even as I have no doubt I will get some things wrong. And I will cling to that, even when I don't feel it, because truth doesn't change with the whims of my feelings. Thank goodness... No, thank God.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

2007-10-18T15:52:00.000-05:00

"I had far rather walk, as I do, in daily terror of eternity, than feel that this was only a children's game in which all the contestants would get equally worthless prizes in the end."
-T. S. Eliot

Smiles are Magic

2007-10-06T01:07:00.000-05:00

A smile is a beautiful thing.
No other expression can communicate the same sense of peace and happiness as a smile. A person is indeed most pleasant to look at when they are smiling. And it makes sense, since smiling = happy, and happy is what people would like to always be. The thing about faces is that they don't necessarily have to display the true feelings of the person wearing them. A smile doesn't always mean that a person is feeling happy.
But there is something magical about a smile. When someone is feeling down, and smiling is the last thing they feel like doing, smiling may very well be the best way to start feeling up. The faked smile often becomes real, for no other reason than that smiling reminds us of the happy things in life. It brings back memories of all the smiles that have come before.
And the smile is a powerful thing. You may not be able to command a conversation around the dinner table, and you might not have people at your beck and call, but look someone in the eyes and dare to give them a confident smile, and guaranteed you will brighten their day. You may not see the effects right then and there, but a true smile always has consequences. People notice. It makes a difference. So go for it. Dare to make someone's day... you might just end up making your own.

A Lesson in Contentment

2007-09-24T13:04:00.000-05:00

So, as you may or may not know, last Saturday was national "no driving day", or something like that. I don't know about you, but I certainly didn't do all I could to avoid burning fossil fuels. In fact, I drove all the way downtown two times in one day. In my own defence, I wasn't aware that it was "no driving day," but I confess that even if I had, it probably wouldn't have made any difference.
Anyways, that isn't really what this post is supposed to be about. Or at least not directly. One of the trips that I took downtown on Saturday was in order to take a walk with my parents. We started at the Forks and then walked down some residential streets. On Albert street there is a coffee shop called "the fyxx" and so we decided to stop for coffee. First of all, this coffee shop is pretty cool. It has local art hanging on the walls, and you can look out over the street below from the front window. I am sure that on a typical day at the fyxx, you can see people walking around doing their daily business, but this was not a typical day. This was national "no driving day," and the people on Albert street were celebrating. The street was blocked off to traffic, and there was a street hockey game going on. There were many different types of people doing many different types of things, and me and my parents sat and were entertained by the diversity and quirkiness that we witnessed. We saw lots of things that you don't see every day: a man playing the accordion, a young guy riding a double decker bicycle, a woman openly breast feeding, 4 university students crammed into a small couch watching the game, a 4 year old kid playing street hockey with a 70 year old and a bunch of 20-somethings, a wedding party of elegantly dressed bridesmaids and groomsmen posing for pictures in the net, and then joining in the game for a while. Needless to say, it was entertainment at its finest.
The thing that struck me though, as I was sitting there drinking my coffee, wasn't the wedding or the accordion or the hockey game. I mean, those things did interest me, but they weren't what really sunk in. In the midst of all of this strangeness, I got a sense of contentment that was present in the people hanging out on the street. They were doing something that to me seemed very out of the ordinary, something that if I pictured myself to be a part of, I think I would be uncomfortable and self-conscious. But as I looked from one person to another, I didn't see people looking around self-consciously. I didn't see anyone sitting around with a concerned look on their face. I saw a lot of very different people who were perfectly happy being exactly where they were at that moment. I looked from one face to the next, and everyone looked perfectly at peace. The whole situation seemed to me to be yelling, "Who cares if my school work needs to be done and my family life isn't the best and I have to find a way to pay the rent? This moment is perfect, and I am going to soak it for all it's worth."
This sense of peace and living in the moment is something that doesn't come naturally to me. But I'm not really sure if it comes naturally to anyone. The truth is, there will always be things that I could worry about if I let myself, and so I can't wait for the problems to go away for an experience of contentment. Contentment is a choice to live in the moment. It is a conscious leaving behind of all the garbage that so easily weighs on my mind. And it is so much easier said than done. But even if I wasn't practicing contentment a moment ago, the choice is still there in front of me. Each moment is a new chance to choose to be content, and so no matter how badly I have done this in the past, the future is still an open book. I hope that I will continue to learn how to choose this in each and every moment that is given to me. Maybe I should hang out on Albert street a little more often.

What am I doing?

2007-09-23T23:07:00.001-05:00

Well, I am doing something that I am pretty sure I have vowed in the past not to do. I am blogging. Yikes. This is almost embarrassing for me. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading several of my friends' blogs in the past, and in part I do not feel that I have anything to say that is worth reading. My thoughts are all poor reconstructions of what a wiser person has said before me. Even when I have a thought that I feel is worth writing down, my words don't do it justice. I don't know why I have this desire in me to put these incomplete, simplistic, boring thoughts on the internet for anyone to look at, but I do. Maybe I really do believe that I have something inside worth sharing. Or maybe I hope that I will be able to find answers to my questions as I wonder them "aloud." I think that I have come to the conclusion that through writing in this way, there is a deeper, bigger truth that can be grasped then I can find with my thoughts bouncing around in my own head. Somehow, writing for an audience - even if it is small or potentially nonexistent - forces thoughts that start out random and directionless into some sort of moderately coherent order. So hopefully that is what I will be able to do. For myself, and for you - my small and potentially nonexistent audience. Thank you for listening.