A Hard Lesson

I remember when I was growing up (I suppose that process isn't done yet) and I would hear people say "People will let you down Janna, and you will let others down, because we just aren't perfect." And I never had much of a problem with that. Sure, people would let me down, sure I would let people down. That's life, right? Well, it was easy to say that was fine at the time, because until recently, I didn't really realize what that meant. I mean, I understood what the words meant, but it didn't seem serious, because I hadn't actually experienced any major disappointment in people. Sure, I had been disappointed in people from time to time, and my feelings had been hurt, but never to the point where I actually wondered if relationships were worth it. I think I have had an uncommonly fortunate time of life for most of mine, and I really didn't feel like people would let me down majorly.

This year has kind of hit me with the fact that people will let me down. It has seemed strange to me at times this year why sometimes all the hard stuff hits you at once. It's not like my life sucks by any means. I recognize that I am incredibly blessed, and I have a lot of hope for the future. But I have experienced what feels like a string of disappointments in people this year, and there have been times when I have wondered why I ever let myself trust others in the first place. Because as soon as I let myself depend on anyone, it seems that they let me down. I can feel myself losing my faith in people.

But isn't that what people were telling me was going to happen all along? Isn't that what I was expecting? And now what? Do I stop letting myself trust people just because I am starting to realize the power I am giving others to hurt me?

Here's what I think. People are worth the hurt. No matter how many times I get let down, disappointed, angry or hurt, I am deciding that I will continue to put my heart on the line, because people are what life is all about. But, even more than that, I hope that in the times when I am let down and disappointed, I will run to the feet of the One who will never let me down. Because though I may let myself trust people, that is not where my hope lies.

I was thinking the other day of feelings of disappointment in people, and I wondered why I kept setting myself up to get hurt, and was feeling a little sorry for myself. And then it occurred to me that if anyone knows what it feels like to be hurt over and over again, it's God. Over and over, I have put other people ahead of him, forgotten the promises I made to him, ignored him, and in the process, broken his heart. And yet, I believe that he keeps putting his heart on the line, full of hope that I will make good on my promises.

So I am determined to take his lead, continue to give people my trust, knowing that I am also giving them the chance to hurt me. But always realizing that no matter what, there is someone who understands my heart more than anyone I could ever hope to meet.