Face lost in the crowd
Feet wandering empty streets
Voice crying out loud
Heart aching with every beat
Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone?
Searching for
Someone searching
Soul battered and bruised
Pride wounded and left for dead
Ears deaf to good news
Eyes tear-drenched and sleepless red
Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone?
Searching for
Someone searching
Oh I hear the cry
And I know the pain
Can it be denied?
That everyone has been and will be
Someone searching
Love standing alone
Hands scarred by the nails of hate
Hope suffering long
Faith urging that it's not too late
Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Loving, longing
Always there's someone
Searching for
Someone searching
-Ginny Owens
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
"The center of me is always and eternally a terrible pain - a curious wild pain - a searching for something beyond what the world contains."
-Bertrand Russell
I just finished reading "Disappointment with God," by Philip Yancey, and in the last couple of pages I found this quote. I definitely have thoughts on it, that I will maybe write about sometime, but they are not formed enough at this point. So I will leave it at that for now.
-Bertrand Russell
I just finished reading "Disappointment with God," by Philip Yancey, and in the last couple of pages I found this quote. I definitely have thoughts on it, that I will maybe write about sometime, but they are not formed enough at this point. So I will leave it at that for now.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Me vs. Myself
There is a fight going on inside my head between two different voices. Now before you go diagnosing me with multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia, please realize that i am being a little bit figurative. I know that these two voices are both me, but they are not agreeing. They are sending me very mixed messages, or I suppose, I am sending myself very mixed messages.
The first voice keeps saying, "Hang on, Janna. Don't give up." And the other voice is saying, "Let go! It's not worth it. There is more out there than this. More out there than you can even imagine." I have a hard time with this argument because I can see so much logic behind both of the arguments. I suppose it makes sense that in an argument I'm having with myself, both of the participants would be quite logical, like I coincidentally am also.
The first voice appeals to my sense of commitment, and also to my idealism. Although I have quit at a few things in my life (working at a call center, an English class in high school...), I would hate to think of myself as a quitter. Quitting is something I have been taught not to do. When I start something, I need to work at it. When it gets hard, I need to work at it harder. If someone would tell me I should quit something just because it was hard, I would tell them they should learn how to stick to something even when it is hard. I have learned in my life that often the best experiences are only discovered when I push through a hard time, trusting that it will be worth it.
And that's where the appeal to my idealism from the first voice comes in. Along with my value of commitment comes a belief deep down inside that I can find the good - in a situation, in a relationship, in the world - if I just work hard enough. I have this hope that what convinced me in the first place to commit to something will prove true. That it will be worth it in the end.
And then there is the second voice telling me to let go. Although this voice is telling me to move in the opposite direction, I see logic in this argument as well. As much as I may be in the habit of hanging on and seeing things through, I also know that life is bigger than what I can see. I know that there are some things that you can only experience if you let go of other things. I know that some experiences are mutually exclusive, and that by choosing one, I may be closing the door on another, potentially better one. I suppose the second voice is telling me not to settle. Not to let what comes easiest be the automatic decision.
When I first realized that this argument was going on in my head, I felt like the first voice was telling me to hope, and the second voice was telling me to give up. And so I was resistant to the second voice. But I think that both these voices are telling me to hope. They are both rooted in a deep hope that I can find what is best in life. The first hopes that I already have found what is best, and with enough work it will become that. The second hopes that although I haven't yet, I can still find what I am looking for.
And so I think there is a third voice inside. A third voice that is telling me not to hope. A voice that says I should give up and stop searching for what I'm looking for (I don't necessarily know what this is yet). This voice has some truth in it too. This voice says, "Look at how much it hurts when you hope and get disappointed. Look at how much it hurts. Is it worth it? This can happen again. This will happen again. Is it really worth it?" And part of me says, "No, it's not worth it. Why do I torment myself with this hope? I just keep getting myself hurt." And another part of me - the part that the first two voices come from - says, "It is worth it! It may hurt to hope and get disappointed, but it will hurt more to never hope at all." And this is the strange thing. Hope hurts. Hoping is setting yourself up for disappointment. But without risking disappointment, you will never experience what life can really be. You will never experience the joy of hope.
And so, the battle between the voices in my head continues on. Voice One is ahead one day, Voice Two wins out the next. And to be honest, there are times when Voice Three seems to be the only voice I can hear. But Voice Three - although it musters up its strength and swings with all its might (and sometimes it can be pretty strong) - can't win in the end, because it is outnumbered. Voice Three will always lose, because more than anything else I know, I know with all that is in me that there is hope. There has to be.
The first voice keeps saying, "Hang on, Janna. Don't give up." And the other voice is saying, "Let go! It's not worth it. There is more out there than this. More out there than you can even imagine." I have a hard time with this argument because I can see so much logic behind both of the arguments. I suppose it makes sense that in an argument I'm having with myself, both of the participants would be quite logical, like I coincidentally am also.
The first voice appeals to my sense of commitment, and also to my idealism. Although I have quit at a few things in my life (working at a call center, an English class in high school...), I would hate to think of myself as a quitter. Quitting is something I have been taught not to do. When I start something, I need to work at it. When it gets hard, I need to work at it harder. If someone would tell me I should quit something just because it was hard, I would tell them they should learn how to stick to something even when it is hard. I have learned in my life that often the best experiences are only discovered when I push through a hard time, trusting that it will be worth it.
And that's where the appeal to my idealism from the first voice comes in. Along with my value of commitment comes a belief deep down inside that I can find the good - in a situation, in a relationship, in the world - if I just work hard enough. I have this hope that what convinced me in the first place to commit to something will prove true. That it will be worth it in the end.
And then there is the second voice telling me to let go. Although this voice is telling me to move in the opposite direction, I see logic in this argument as well. As much as I may be in the habit of hanging on and seeing things through, I also know that life is bigger than what I can see. I know that there are some things that you can only experience if you let go of other things. I know that some experiences are mutually exclusive, and that by choosing one, I may be closing the door on another, potentially better one. I suppose the second voice is telling me not to settle. Not to let what comes easiest be the automatic decision.
When I first realized that this argument was going on in my head, I felt like the first voice was telling me to hope, and the second voice was telling me to give up. And so I was resistant to the second voice. But I think that both these voices are telling me to hope. They are both rooted in a deep hope that I can find what is best in life. The first hopes that I already have found what is best, and with enough work it will become that. The second hopes that although I haven't yet, I can still find what I am looking for.
And so I think there is a third voice inside. A third voice that is telling me not to hope. A voice that says I should give up and stop searching for what I'm looking for (I don't necessarily know what this is yet). This voice has some truth in it too. This voice says, "Look at how much it hurts when you hope and get disappointed. Look at how much it hurts. Is it worth it? This can happen again. This will happen again. Is it really worth it?" And part of me says, "No, it's not worth it. Why do I torment myself with this hope? I just keep getting myself hurt." And another part of me - the part that the first two voices come from - says, "It is worth it! It may hurt to hope and get disappointed, but it will hurt more to never hope at all." And this is the strange thing. Hope hurts. Hoping is setting yourself up for disappointment. But without risking disappointment, you will never experience what life can really be. You will never experience the joy of hope.
And so, the battle between the voices in my head continues on. Voice One is ahead one day, Voice Two wins out the next. And to be honest, there are times when Voice Three seems to be the only voice I can hear. But Voice Three - although it musters up its strength and swings with all its might (and sometimes it can be pretty strong) - can't win in the end, because it is outnumbered. Voice Three will always lose, because more than anything else I know, I know with all that is in me that there is hope. There has to be.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Some Things I Know (...and a few that I don't)
Today I am confused about how God leads us. I am convinced that he does lead us. I know that God can guide us through life in a way that is really quite incredible, and that looking back at my own life, I can see places where he has been at work. My problem isn't with how God has worked in my past, but today I don't know what to think of how he will work in the future. I want to just sit back and say, "God's got it all under control, Janna. Don't worry about a thing." And part of that is true. I don't need to worry. God is sovereign. Things will be okay. But I know another truth. I know that I have free will. I know that God lets me make mistakes. And today I am scared that my mistakes will stop God from guiding me where he wants me to go.
I think that there is a difficult balance that needs to be met here. On the one hand, I need to be active in seeking out God's will and using my head to make wise decisions. On the other hand, I need to learn how to rest in God's ability to work, even through my foolishness, even through my panic and worry. This is really hard. I think I have a slight addiction to impatience. I want God to show me where he's taking me, and I want him to show me NOW. I feel like a little girl who whines to Daddy to give me what I want. I feel restless and unsure and scared.
Sometimes these thoughts and feelings spiral downward until I don't feel like I can take it anymore. But the thing is, I don't really have a choice. At some point, after all of my struggling and worrying and effort, I need to come to a place where I decide that I've done all that I can, and I need to trust God to take care of the rest. And with that trusting that God has it under control comes trusting that he can even work through my mistakes. That he will work through my mistakes. That doesn't mean that it will all be perfect. It doesn't mean that no matter what I do, God will cause it to come to the same conclusion. I do have free will, and I can change the path that my life will take. My actions do have consequences. What it does mean, is that though I will make mistakes, God will not let that stop him from leading me. It means that he will be with me, guiding me every step of the way, through the joys and hurts and the mess ups. It means that I can have hope for the future, even as I have no doubt I will get some things wrong. And I will cling to that, even when I don't feel it, because truth doesn't change with the whims of my feelings. Thank goodness... No, thank God.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
I think that there is a difficult balance that needs to be met here. On the one hand, I need to be active in seeking out God's will and using my head to make wise decisions. On the other hand, I need to learn how to rest in God's ability to work, even through my foolishness, even through my panic and worry. This is really hard. I think I have a slight addiction to impatience. I want God to show me where he's taking me, and I want him to show me NOW. I feel like a little girl who whines to Daddy to give me what I want. I feel restless and unsure and scared.
Sometimes these thoughts and feelings spiral downward until I don't feel like I can take it anymore. But the thing is, I don't really have a choice. At some point, after all of my struggling and worrying and effort, I need to come to a place where I decide that I've done all that I can, and I need to trust God to take care of the rest. And with that trusting that God has it under control comes trusting that he can even work through my mistakes. That he will work through my mistakes. That doesn't mean that it will all be perfect. It doesn't mean that no matter what I do, God will cause it to come to the same conclusion. I do have free will, and I can change the path that my life will take. My actions do have consequences. What it does mean, is that though I will make mistakes, God will not let that stop him from leading me. It means that he will be with me, guiding me every step of the way, through the joys and hurts and the mess ups. It means that I can have hope for the future, even as I have no doubt I will get some things wrong. And I will cling to that, even when I don't feel it, because truth doesn't change with the whims of my feelings. Thank goodness... No, thank God.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Smiles are Magic
A smile is a beautiful thing.
No other expression can communicate the same sense of peace and happiness as a smile. A person is indeed most pleasant to look at when they are smiling. And it makes sense, since smiling = happy, and happy is what people would like to always be. The thing about faces is that they don't necessarily have to display the true feelings of the person wearing them. A smile doesn't always mean that a person is feeling happy.
But there is something magical about a smile. When someone is feeling down, and smiling is the last thing they feel like doing, smiling may very well be the best way to start feeling up. The faked smile often becomes real, for no other reason than that smiling reminds us of the happy things in life. It brings back memories of all the smiles that have come before.
And the smile is a powerful thing. You may not be able to command a conversation around the dinner table, and you might not have people at your beck and call, but look someone in the eyes and dare to give them a confident smile, and guaranteed you will brighten their day. You may not see the effects right then and there, but a true smile always has consequences. People notice. It makes a difference. So go for it. Dare to make someone's day... you might just end up making your own.
No other expression can communicate the same sense of peace and happiness as a smile. A person is indeed most pleasant to look at when they are smiling. And it makes sense, since smiling = happy, and happy is what people would like to always be. The thing about faces is that they don't necessarily have to display the true feelings of the person wearing them. A smile doesn't always mean that a person is feeling happy.
But there is something magical about a smile. When someone is feeling down, and smiling is the last thing they feel like doing, smiling may very well be the best way to start feeling up. The faked smile often becomes real, for no other reason than that smiling reminds us of the happy things in life. It brings back memories of all the smiles that have come before.
And the smile is a powerful thing. You may not be able to command a conversation around the dinner table, and you might not have people at your beck and call, but look someone in the eyes and dare to give them a confident smile, and guaranteed you will brighten their day. You may not see the effects right then and there, but a true smile always has consequences. People notice. It makes a difference. So go for it. Dare to make someone's day... you might just end up making your own.
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