the disconnect

and once again, the disconnect;
these fingers of my heart that reach out and grasp
at nothing
they thought you would meet them here
that you would hear the words beneath
the ones i say
and whisper back
that i am not alone
that we are singing the same song
that we are one

but your ears heard what my heart never said
and missed the bigness of the thoughts
that begged of you an audience

so here i am
sought out but misunderstood
heard but unknown
disconnected


Over the course of this year I have started writing a poem on this theme and have never been able to finish it. I don't know that I like how it turned out this time around, but I forced it out so that I can come back and work on it rather than always starting fresh. The theme is a little depressing perhaps, but so true. I am continually reminded that if I insist on looking for someone to know me completely, I will be always disappointed. That realization of the disconnect that exists between me and every other person is a painful one. It brings me back to my thoughts of groaning that I wrote about recently. It also leaves me with a choice. Either I can accept the lonely fact that no person can hear the undertones of my heart, or I can redirect them to the only One who will ever know me.

A Hymn to God the Father

Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still: though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin? and, made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year, or two: but wallowed in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by thy self, that at my death thy son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore;
And, having done that, thou hast done,
I fear no more.

- John Donne