Oh Lord, you're beautiful
Your face is all I see,
For when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.
Oh Lord, please light the fire
That once burned bright and clear.
Replace the lamp of my first love
That burns with holy fear.
I want to take your Word and shine it all around,
But first help me just to live it, Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown,
For my reward is giving glory to you.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Looking for Love
I love fairy tales. I think most people do. At least I think that most people, whether they would admit it or not, hope that their lives turn out to have fairy tale endings. Now before you go bursting my bubble, let me set your mind at ease. I realize that the chick flicks are not real life, I know that my Prince Charming will not ride up to my door at the exact moment I have given up hope that he even exists, and I sometimes even go into "Men suck" mode. To be honest, I may err more on the side of cynicism when it comes to love than anything else.
But even though there are times when I wonder if "true love" even exists in this world, I know that deep down I hope that it is true and that I will experience it one day. Maybe I'll step it down a notch. I don't hope that I am suddenly a character in a Hollywood drama. But I do very much want to find a man one day who knows me - really knows me - and loves what he sees. I want to find someone who I can laugh with and make jokes with and drink coffee with. I want to find someone who encourages me in the things I want to do with my life, and someone who I can encourage in their goals as well.
When it comes down to it, I want to find a person who I can care about more than anyone else, and I want him to care about me more than anyone else. But I've realized a few things. First of all, if what I'm looking for is someone to fill my need for relationship and my need for approval, then I am never going to find it in a relationship with another human. The reality is that the only time that hole in me is going to be filled is in a life after this one. I know that my heart is searching for something, that it is restless, and I also know that it is not going to find its rest until I meet Jesus face to face.
Another thing I have realized is that "finding someone" is not what life is about. I don't think that God has called us to marriage as a bottom line, and that we need to figure that out and then we can get on to whatever else it is he wants from us. I don't think that God wants me to hold back on making plans until I have found a person to share it with. Life is about Jesus - living for him and showing him to others - whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed. And no matter which of those categories you fit into, if anything or anyone other than Jesus is the most important thing, then you are missing the point. I am determined that whatever else happens in my life, it is going to be full and purposeful and fulfilling, and it is going to be that way because it is going to be centered on Jesus. That is my prayer, even when I feel like I need someone to go through it beside me.
I think that my job in life is to follow as best as I can the road that I feel God is mapping out for me. That sounds like I think he's just going to drop everything in my lap, and I most certainly do not think that. I know that God works in such a way that he gives us a choice with what we want to make our lives, and that sometimes we have to buck it up and go and work at something to get what we want. But I think that he does lead us in our decisions. I know that whatever happens, people will be a big part of my life, and I will have deep and meaningful relationships. That may or may not include a fantastic marriage relationship, but either way, I know that I will live and grow in relationships with people in this life. I was at a wedding last Saturday and that is what the sermon was about: character development in intense relationship. I thought it was wonderful because the pastor addressed all of the guests - married and unmarried - when he said that we need deep and meaningful relationships to develop our character. This is not a message for marrieds only. Marriage is not some club where real life starts and we can finally become the person God wants us to be. The question is, no matter where you are at in life, where is God leading you today? How is he calling you to change? Who is he calling you to impact? Because it is so easy to get inward focused and start concentrating on my life and my friends and my money, but that is not the right mindset. No matter what comes my way, the real questions should never be about me, but rather about others.
God blesses his people. Marriage is one of those blessings, but it is not the only one. I am confident that God has blessings in store for me, and I can rest in that, even in not knowing what they are or when they will come.
But even though there are times when I wonder if "true love" even exists in this world, I know that deep down I hope that it is true and that I will experience it one day. Maybe I'll step it down a notch. I don't hope that I am suddenly a character in a Hollywood drama. But I do very much want to find a man one day who knows me - really knows me - and loves what he sees. I want to find someone who I can laugh with and make jokes with and drink coffee with. I want to find someone who encourages me in the things I want to do with my life, and someone who I can encourage in their goals as well.
When it comes down to it, I want to find a person who I can care about more than anyone else, and I want him to care about me more than anyone else. But I've realized a few things. First of all, if what I'm looking for is someone to fill my need for relationship and my need for approval, then I am never going to find it in a relationship with another human. The reality is that the only time that hole in me is going to be filled is in a life after this one. I know that my heart is searching for something, that it is restless, and I also know that it is not going to find its rest until I meet Jesus face to face.
Another thing I have realized is that "finding someone" is not what life is about. I don't think that God has called us to marriage as a bottom line, and that we need to figure that out and then we can get on to whatever else it is he wants from us. I don't think that God wants me to hold back on making plans until I have found a person to share it with. Life is about Jesus - living for him and showing him to others - whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed. And no matter which of those categories you fit into, if anything or anyone other than Jesus is the most important thing, then you are missing the point. I am determined that whatever else happens in my life, it is going to be full and purposeful and fulfilling, and it is going to be that way because it is going to be centered on Jesus. That is my prayer, even when I feel like I need someone to go through it beside me.
I think that my job in life is to follow as best as I can the road that I feel God is mapping out for me. That sounds like I think he's just going to drop everything in my lap, and I most certainly do not think that. I know that God works in such a way that he gives us a choice with what we want to make our lives, and that sometimes we have to buck it up and go and work at something to get what we want. But I think that he does lead us in our decisions. I know that whatever happens, people will be a big part of my life, and I will have deep and meaningful relationships. That may or may not include a fantastic marriage relationship, but either way, I know that I will live and grow in relationships with people in this life. I was at a wedding last Saturday and that is what the sermon was about: character development in intense relationship. I thought it was wonderful because the pastor addressed all of the guests - married and unmarried - when he said that we need deep and meaningful relationships to develop our character. This is not a message for marrieds only. Marriage is not some club where real life starts and we can finally become the person God wants us to be. The question is, no matter where you are at in life, where is God leading you today? How is he calling you to change? Who is he calling you to impact? Because it is so easy to get inward focused and start concentrating on my life and my friends and my money, but that is not the right mindset. No matter what comes my way, the real questions should never be about me, but rather about others.
God blesses his people. Marriage is one of those blessings, but it is not the only one. I am confident that God has blessings in store for me, and I can rest in that, even in not knowing what they are or when they will come.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
An excerpt from "The Screwtape Letters":
Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. .... He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
- C. S. Lewis
Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. .... He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
- C. S. Lewis
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The If-Only Game
Well, summer has begun, but work has not yet. That is okay with me, because I know that it will start, and once it does, I think I will feel like I deserved this time off, even if I don't feel that way right now. So far I have taken a wonderful trip to Toronto where I visited a wonderful cousin and a wonderful friend, read a couple of books, cut my hair, gone to play pool and have bubble tea, gone for my first run in too long (I know it's too long because of how my legs felt afterward), and ate a lot of really really amazingly delicious food. I have also been doing some thinking, some of it aimless and some of it more directed. I figured I should actually write something on here,since it's been a while, so I'll see what I come up with.
Sometimes when my mind is running through thoughts but I am not really directing it - just letting it wander where it will - I get into a sort of cycle that gets me nowhere. The cycle goes something like this: "Remember the time when (insert memory here) happened? Wasn't that a wonderful time in life? Didn't I feel great? Wouldn't it be great if life were still that way? Why isn't life that way? Should I be doing something differently? I think I've done everything I can, and life is where it needs to be right now. Well, if I've done all I can or should, then I might as well be happy where I'm at and trust God to lead me on to the next thing." It is a cycle that starts with random happy memories, progresses through discontent and then ends in acceptance and peace and hope. At least that's where I hope the cycle ends. The thing about a cycle is that it doesn't really end, but just goes around and around, and sometimes it feels like it ends at the discontent stage.
I am reading a book called "The Shack" right now, and I read something the other day that I thought related to this cycle I get myself in. William Young writes, "It is so easy to get sucked into the if-only game, and playing it is a short and slippery slide into despair... if only, if only if only. And then to have it all come to nothing."
That sounds like a little bit of a depressing statement. But really, I think that realizing this trap is the best way to get out of this cycle, or at least to know how to deal with it when it starts. It is so easy to get frustrated with where I'm at and wish that I could either go back to a time in the past or jump forward to some future time, but the problem with that is that I can't do anything to get me to those times. All I will ever have is this moment, and playing the if-only game doesn't get me anywhere besides into a mood of discontent. I think that as I get older and experience more of life, I come to see more and more that I need to make the most of the time that is now, because to focus on anything else gets me nowhere. Has any of this made any sense? I don't really know, but that's okay because this is my blog and that's what was in my head as I wrote it. I'm living in the moment, okay? And now perhaps I will make the most of the next 8 hours of moments and get some sleep. Or maybe I could make it more like the next 10 hours of moments. Like I said, work hasn't started yet.
Sometimes when my mind is running through thoughts but I am not really directing it - just letting it wander where it will - I get into a sort of cycle that gets me nowhere. The cycle goes something like this: "Remember the time when (insert memory here) happened? Wasn't that a wonderful time in life? Didn't I feel great? Wouldn't it be great if life were still that way? Why isn't life that way? Should I be doing something differently? I think I've done everything I can, and life is where it needs to be right now. Well, if I've done all I can or should, then I might as well be happy where I'm at and trust God to lead me on to the next thing." It is a cycle that starts with random happy memories, progresses through discontent and then ends in acceptance and peace and hope. At least that's where I hope the cycle ends. The thing about a cycle is that it doesn't really end, but just goes around and around, and sometimes it feels like it ends at the discontent stage.
I am reading a book called "The Shack" right now, and I read something the other day that I thought related to this cycle I get myself in. William Young writes, "It is so easy to get sucked into the if-only game, and playing it is a short and slippery slide into despair... if only, if only if only. And then to have it all come to nothing."
That sounds like a little bit of a depressing statement. But really, I think that realizing this trap is the best way to get out of this cycle, or at least to know how to deal with it when it starts. It is so easy to get frustrated with where I'm at and wish that I could either go back to a time in the past or jump forward to some future time, but the problem with that is that I can't do anything to get me to those times. All I will ever have is this moment, and playing the if-only game doesn't get me anywhere besides into a mood of discontent. I think that as I get older and experience more of life, I come to see more and more that I need to make the most of the time that is now, because to focus on anything else gets me nowhere. Has any of this made any sense? I don't really know, but that's okay because this is my blog and that's what was in my head as I wrote it. I'm living in the moment, okay? And now perhaps I will make the most of the next 8 hours of moments and get some sleep. Or maybe I could make it more like the next 10 hours of moments. Like I said, work hasn't started yet.
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