The Groaning Goes On

I think one of the reasons that I haven't been feeling much like blogging lately is that I have had a couple of partially formed thoughts bouncing around in my head for a long time, but they weren't at a stage where I felt like writing about them, and there was nothing else that seemed worth writing about.  Hence, I wrote about nothing.  I still haven't finished thinking about these things, but perhaps I have reached the point where I can at least express some thoughts.  I suppose the answer to that is a yes if this actually gets posted.  

So I watched a really great chick flick tonight.  I think the thing that I love about chick flicks (and really most movies) is the happy ending.  There may have been moments in the middle where you weren't quite sure if things was going to end well, but somehow at the end of the day, all is well... and they lived happily ever after.  Happily ever after.  I think that is quite a thought.  I think that is what I search for.  Not necessarily in the form of the perfect man (though I wouldn't complain if I found him), but in everything.  Happily ever after implies rest.  The thing you have been seeking has been found, and now you can sit back, relax, enjoy life, and never have to be uneasy or anxious again.  A deep breath released, and tension is gone from your life forever.  Rest.

But the thing is, no matter where I've been or what the circumstances, I have never experienced a rest that complete.  I've never gotten to a "happily ever after."  That's because life continues on, and this life is not actually about finding rest.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that I will yet experience perfect rest.  Just not on this side of heaven.  

There are times when I thought I knew what it was that I wanted.  I worked hard to get it, succeeded, and basked in my happiness... for about 5 minutes, until I noticed that I still wanted something.  The hole wasn't filled.  I couldn't find rest.  That feeling is hard to express in words.  Groans really say it best.  All of my yearnings and wants and deepest hopes and frustrations can be encompassed in a groan.  It goes even deeper than what I can consciously identify.  The bible talks about this groan in Romans 8.  All of creation is groaning "as in the pains of childbirth" (v 22).  And what are we groaning for?  "The redemption of our bodies" and "our adoption as sons" (v 23).  That's the happily ever after right there.  But the thing is, it isn't going to happen until we have a perfect relationship with our Creator, and as long as we are stuck on this broken earth in these broken bodies, we are going to be bound to decay.  Groaning.  

But here is something that I am learning.  In the moments when all my frustrations and unrest culminate in a dissatisfied groan, I have a choice.  I can decide if I am going to groan in frustration or in hope.  If I groan in frustration, life gets... well, frustrating.  But the thing is, although I know that the hole in me is not going to be filled in this lifetime, I do know that it is going to be filled.  And when I shift my thoughts from all the things that aren't filling me, and rather think about the One that I know will fill me one day, my groans take on a peaceful tone.  Not perfect rest, to be sure, but peace.  And so my groans will go on, but I groan in hope.  And in Him I find peace to get me through to the day when he will bring me perfect rest.  

Everything

Every once in a while I get a reminder about the things in life that are actually important. I spend a lot of time on some really good things: friends, school, coffee, music, etc. I feel that they make my life enjoyable, and also often draw me into God. But they are not God. I have found that I can even spend time reading my Bible, talking about God, and singing praise songs, and be intellectually thinking about Jesus without entering in emotionally and spiritually. It is good to be reminded that good things are not the best thing. It is good to realize that intellect is only one part of knowing God. It is good to be reminded of my smallness and God's bigness. It is good to be shown that I am wrong. Truth is good. I really hope that my own thoughts and personality and biases don't get in the way of me being open to God showing me truth. I hope that I can be humble and make Him my everything. Here is a song that is wonderful:

Everything

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

You are everything
You are everything
You are everything
You are everything


- Tim Hughes

You can listen to it here.

Lent

In other news, today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Yesterday at House Church, we had the traditional Shrove Tuesday pancakes, which were delicious, and then did some talking and thinking and praying. Here are a couple of prayers that we came across:

O Lord, the house of my soul is narrow;
enlarge it that you may enter in.
It is ruinous, O repair it!
It displeases your sight. I confess it, I know.
But who shall cleanse it, to whom shall I cry but to you?
Cleanse me from my secret faults, O Lord
and spare your servant from strange sins.

St. Augustine of Hippo (AD 354 - 430)


O Lord, who hast mercy upon all, take away from me my sins,
and mercifully kindle in me the fire of thy Holy Spirit.
Take away from me the heart of stone, and give me a heart of flesh,
a heart to love and adore Thee, a heart to delight in Thee,
to follow and enjoy Thee,
for Christ's sake, Amen.

St. Ambrose of Milan (AD 339 - 397)

Trying to be Good

I am not a very nice person. I'd like to be a nice person. I try really hard to be a nice person. I do okay for about 10 minutes. Then I say something mean or inconsiderate to someone that I love, and I realize once again that I am not a very nice person. When I come to this realization, I get really frustrated, and kind of guilty. And then I get determined to try harder the next time so I can succeed at being good. Which of course I can't do.

But why do I want to be good? I have been thinking about this lately, and I have come to the conclusion that most of the time, even though I wouldn't say it out loud, I am trying to be good because I want to earn God's forgiveness. I want to be good so that I will deserve God's blessing. Well that is clearly foolishness, and yet that is what is going on subconsciously in my head I think. I've been reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller lately, and his chapter on grace is really really good I think:

"I would hear about grace, read about grace, and even sing about grace, but accepting grace is an action I could not understand. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. More than that, grace did not seem like the thing I was looking for. It was too easy. I wanted to feel as though I earned my forgiveness, as though God and I were buddies doing favors for each other."

And yet where does that get me, this earning of my forgiveness? Well, every time I set out to do it, I wind up in that same place - kicking myself at my inability to live rightly. This all starts to feel very hopeless. Until we remember that the whole point of Jesus dying in the first place was that he knew we couldn't earn his forgiveness, and that we desperately needed his help. And that's what grace is. Should we go on sinning then, so that grace can increase all the more? "By no means!" to borrow the words of Paul. And yet until we get it through our heads that this being good isn't our ticket to heaven, we aren't really accepting the beautiful gift that has been offered us.

So what is going to change us?

"Our 'behavior' will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. The laziest of men will swim the English channel to win his woman... By accepting God's love for us, we fall in love with him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey. In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion."

It is pretty scary to think that God puts his reputation in the hands of a bunch of imperfect humans that are really good at messing things up. I do my best to love the people around me and show them Jesus, yet I know that I fail. I say things that are judgmental, careless, and unloving. And yet God lets people like me be his representatives in this world. Yikes. It makes me feel very small and incapable. I have some very dear and wise friends who reminded me this weekend that if we are humble and start the day off asking God to glorify his name through us and not our own, then he will use us to speak his words and do his will. It is amazing what God can do witha bunch of failures. This song gives me hope.

Heart's Desire

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

This verse sometimes seems to give people the impression that if they just humor God for a while and pretend like he is the most important thing, that eventually they will get what they are really looking for. But I don't think that's really how it goes. It kind of reminds me of something my dad used to say when we'd have peas for dinner (we still sometimes have peas, we just don't have to have this conversation anymore). If I'd whiningly ask "Do I have to have peas?" he'd reply, "Do you want them?" If I said no, then the answer was "yes, you have to," but if the answer was yes, then he would say, "then you don't have to, but since you want to, you will anyways." Pretty much, it was a lose-lose situation for me if I was hoping to get out of eating peas. But as far as my health was concerned, it was a win-win. There was no way I was getting out of eating those peas.

This verse kind of reminds me of that. If I hang onto all the things I think I want more than anything else, God might not give them to me. He might make my life full of a bunch of other things that I don't really think are what he should have given me. The verse doesn't say, "Make God one of your priorities and you will get all the things you always thought you wanted." The first step is to delight yourself in God. But as soon as you decide to delight yourself in the Lord, you are surrendering the desires of your heart. You are saying "God, here are the things I think I want, but most of all I want you," and allowing him to change your desires into something new. That is a hard thing. There are some things that I am pretty confident that I really do want. But I don't think that I can hang onto them as the be all and end all and still be truly "delighting myself in the Lord." If I make God my everything, if I let him "have the whole tree down" as C.S. Lewis says (see my last post), then he will give me the desires of my heart. But my heart will be changed when I make him my all, and my desires are bound to change with my changing heart. Am I willing to let them?

All of You

"The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.'

Both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do. You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, 'Take up your Cross' - in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, 'My yoke is easy and my burden light.' He means both...

...Teachers will tell you that the laziest boy in the class is the one who works hardest in the end. They mean this. If you give two boys, say, a proposition in geometry to do, the one who is prepared to take trouble will try to understand it. The lazy boy will try to learn it by heart because, for the moment, that needs less effort. But six months later, when they are preparing for an exam, that lazy boy is doing hours and hours of miserable drudgery over things the other boy understands, and positively enjoys, in a few minutes. Laziness means more work in the long run. Or look at it this way. In a battle, or in mountain climbing, there is often one thing which it takes a lot of pluck to do; but it is also, in the long run, the safest thing to do. If you funk it, you will find yourself, hours later, in far worse danger. The cowardly thing is also the most dangerous thing.

It is like that here. The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precautions - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call 'ourselves', to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be 'good'. We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centered on money or pleasure or ambition - and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do. As He said, a thistle cannot produce figs. If I am a field that contains nothing but grass-seed, I cannot produce wheat. Cutting the grass may keep it short: but I shall still produce grass and no wheat. If I want to produce wheat, the change must go deeper than the surface. I must be ploughed up and re-sown."
- from Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis

Peace

It is so easy to be restless. It doesn't take many hours, or even minutes, of not thinking about my God who is in control before I start feeling unpeaceful and restless. "Unpeace". Apparently this is not a word, since my computer is underlining it in red as I write this, but I am going to leave it. I have used this word a lot in my talks with people throughout the year. Unpeace is the best way I can think of to describe the thing I am trying to describe. When your mind is rushing in all sorts of directions, or not going anywhere, and all you know is that something isn't right, that things aren't okay. It is the complete opposite of rest.

I think I experienced some of the greatest moments of unpeace in my life last summer. I didn't know what it was that was making me feel that way, and although I have been learning more about myself this year, I still don't know all the reasons why last summer I felt such inner turmoil. I feel like this year has been a journey back to a place of peace, and yet I still have moments and even whole days or weeks when I feel like things aren't okay and I need to do something to make them better. That's the problem: I keep looking for something that I can do. The thing is that the Person who can give me rest and make it all okay isn't me. I'm not the one who has to do anything.

We sang one of my very favorite hymns in church this morning. I had never heard the third verse before, but I found it when I searched for the lyrics and I figured I'd throw it in there. Here they are:

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide.
In every change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul; though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know his love, his heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From his own fullness all he takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.


-Katherina von Schlegel, 1752 (translated by Jane Borthwick, 1855)

Oh Lord, you're beautiful
Your face is all I see,
For when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.

Oh Lord, please light the fire
That once burned bright and clear.
Replace the lamp of my first love
That burns with holy fear.

I want to take your Word and shine it all around,
But first help me just to live it, Lord.
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown,
For my reward is giving glory to you.

Looking for Love

I love fairy tales. I think most people do. At least I think that most people, whether they would admit it or not, hope that their lives turn out to have fairy tale endings. Now before you go bursting my bubble, let me set your mind at ease. I realize that the chick flicks are not real life, I know that my Prince Charming will not ride up to my door at the exact moment I have given up hope that he even exists, and I sometimes even go into "Men suck" mode. To be honest, I may err more on the side of cynicism when it comes to love than anything else.

But even though there are times when I wonder if "true love" even exists in this world, I know that deep down I hope that it is true and that I will experience it one day. Maybe I'll step it down a notch. I don't hope that I am suddenly a character in a Hollywood drama. But I do very much want to find a man one day who knows me - really knows me - and loves what he sees. I want to find someone who I can laugh with and make jokes with and drink coffee with. I want to find someone who encourages me in the things I want to do with my life, and someone who I can encourage in their goals as well.

When it comes down to it, I want to find a person who I can care about more than anyone else, and I want him to care about me more than anyone else. But I've realized a few things. First of all, if what I'm looking for is someone to fill my need for relationship and my need for approval, then I am never going to find it in a relationship with another human. The reality is that the only time that hole in me is going to be filled is in a life after this one. I know that my heart is searching for something, that it is restless, and I also know that it is not going to find its rest until I meet Jesus face to face.

Another thing I have realized is that "finding someone" is not what life is about. I don't think that God has called us to marriage as a bottom line, and that we need to figure that out and then we can get on to whatever else it is he wants from us. I don't think that God wants me to hold back on making plans until I have found a person to share it with. Life is about Jesus - living for him and showing him to others - whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed. And no matter which of those categories you fit into, if anything or anyone other than Jesus is the most important thing, then you are missing the point. I am determined that whatever else happens in my life, it is going to be full and purposeful and fulfilling, and it is going to be that way because it is going to be centered on Jesus. That is my prayer, even when I feel like I need someone to go through it beside me.

I think that my job in life is to follow as best as I can the road that I feel God is mapping out for me. That sounds like I think he's just going to drop everything in my lap, and I most certainly do not think that. I know that God works in such a way that he gives us a choice with what we want to make our lives, and that sometimes we have to buck it up and go and work at something to get what we want. But I think that he does lead us in our decisions. I know that whatever happens, people will be a big part of my life, and I will have deep and meaningful relationships. That may or may not include a fantastic marriage relationship, but either way, I know that I will live and grow in relationships with people in this life. I was at a wedding last Saturday and that is what the sermon was about: character development in intense relationship. I thought it was wonderful because the pastor addressed all of the guests - married and unmarried - when he said that we need deep and meaningful relationships to develop our character. This is not a message for marrieds only. Marriage is not some club where real life starts and we can finally become the person God wants us to be. The question is, no matter where you are at in life, where is God leading you today? How is he calling you to change? Who is he calling you to impact? Because it is so easy to get inward focused and start concentrating on my life and my friends and my money, but that is not the right mindset. No matter what comes my way, the real questions should never be about me, but rather about others.

God blesses his people. Marriage is one of those blessings, but it is not the only one. I am confident that God has blessings in store for me, and I can rest in that, even in not knowing what they are or when they will come.

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round and pluck blackberries.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

An excerpt from "The Screwtape Letters":

Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. .... He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

- C. S. Lewis

Own Me

Music is a wonderful thing. It connects with the soul in a way that words cannot express, and sometimes I hear a song that feels like it is coming from the essence of who I am. And since the words aren't all of what makes a song good (and often not anywhere close to all), putting them on my blog really doesn't do them justice, but the words are good just the same. And also, with 4 exams left to go, I just don't have time to put anything up here besides the lyrics to a song that was in my head today.


Own Me

Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read, covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws growing longer every day;
If I keep pluggin' away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain
And all of my laws just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You in all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed

Own me, take all that I am,
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me.

You call me Daughter,
And You take my blame;
And You run to meet me
When I cry out Your name.
So I fall before You in all of my shame,
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Own me, take all that I am
And heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me.


-Ginny Owens

Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything. I surrender...

To whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out


-Sanctus Real

A Hard Lesson

I remember when I was growing up (I suppose that process isn't done yet) and I would hear people say "People will let you down Janna, and you will let others down, because we just aren't perfect." And I never had much of a problem with that. Sure, people would let me down, sure I would let people down. That's life, right? Well, it was easy to say that was fine at the time, because until recently, I didn't really realize what that meant. I mean, I understood what the words meant, but it didn't seem serious, because I hadn't actually experienced any major disappointment in people. Sure, I had been disappointed in people from time to time, and my feelings had been hurt, but never to the point where I actually wondered if relationships were worth it. I think I have had an uncommonly fortunate time of life for most of mine, and I really didn't feel like people would let me down majorly.

This year has kind of hit me with the fact that people will let me down. It has seemed strange to me at times this year why sometimes all the hard stuff hits you at once. It's not like my life sucks by any means. I recognize that I am incredibly blessed, and I have a lot of hope for the future. But I have experienced what feels like a string of disappointments in people this year, and there have been times when I have wondered why I ever let myself trust others in the first place. Because as soon as I let myself depend on anyone, it seems that they let me down. I can feel myself losing my faith in people.

But isn't that what people were telling me was going to happen all along? Isn't that what I was expecting? And now what? Do I stop letting myself trust people just because I am starting to realize the power I am giving others to hurt me?

Here's what I think. People are worth the hurt. No matter how many times I get let down, disappointed, angry or hurt, I am deciding that I will continue to put my heart on the line, because people are what life is all about. But, even more than that, I hope that in the times when I am let down and disappointed, I will run to the feet of the One who will never let me down. Because though I may let myself trust people, that is not where my hope lies.

I was thinking the other day of feelings of disappointment in people, and I wondered why I kept setting myself up to get hurt, and was feeling a little sorry for myself. And then it occurred to me that if anyone knows what it feels like to be hurt over and over again, it's God. Over and over, I have put other people ahead of him, forgotten the promises I made to him, ignored him, and in the process, broken his heart. And yet, I believe that he keeps putting his heart on the line, full of hope that I will make good on my promises.

So I am determined to take his lead, continue to give people my trust, knowing that I am also giving them the chance to hurt me. But always realizing that no matter what, there is someone who understands my heart more than anyone I could ever hope to meet.

Lent

Lent starts tomorrow. I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to give anything up for it this year. I have often given up something or other in the past, but I don't know how useful it has been. One year I gave up chips - maybe the was just a "Christian" reason to diet. Another year I gave up television. I suppose that even if I didn't end up spending more time with God, at least I was wasting less time on the couch. After a few years of such sacrifices, I think I got tired of giving things up just for the sake of giving things up. And so for the last couple of years, I don't think I have. Well, I think I have come to a decision that I do want to give something up this year. And the things I was considering aren't things that are bad in and of themselves. And the thing I have decided on won't necessarily bring me closer to God, but I am going to set my mind to it anyways. For two reasons. First of all, I think that discipline is a good thing, and that by forcing myself to do without something that I am used to, I will learn something about self control and will power. Secondly, I do think that in the moments where it is hard and I wonder why I decided that this was a good idea, I will remember that the reason for this season is to spend time contemplating the time Jesus spent on this earth, and thinking about what that means to me.

So, what could I give up? My first idea was coffee. I knew as soon as it occurred to me that I didn't really feel like giving this up. But then, the only thing worth giving up is something that is going to be tough. I would like to say for the record that the reason I am not giving up coffee is not because I am addicted. I sometimes go a day or two with no coffee, and do not experience headaches. However, I do enjoy drinking coffee, and more than that, I enjoy the conversations that I have when I go out for coffee with friends. I find that it encourages conversation. And I just really like it.

My next idea was facebook. This one sounded pretty good to me too. And I do think that I am going to intentionally spend a little less time on facebook. I don't have a problem with facebook per se... well actually, that might be a lie. I don't really find that facebook encourages people to be very real, and also I find that I generally sign off in a less good mood than when I signed in. This suggests that perhaps it is not the best way to spend my time. I do have some friends that I communicate with primarily through facebook, however, and so I decided to allow myself to continue to use it.

And so I was beginning to think that maybe I wouldn't give anything up this year... until tonight, when something occurred to me that will be hard, but I think also good. Anyone who has taken the time to read this probably rolled their eyes when I declined to give up coffee, and was probably thinking, "she just didn't want to try that hard." Well, if you know me at all, you will know that this is something that will also be very hard for me. I am going to try my best to give up the snooze button. I often press snooze over and over again for up to an hour in the morning, and all that time could be used more productively, I think. So I am going to try to set my alarm for the time when I actually plan to get up, and then get up right aways and spend a bit more of my "waking" hours doing productive things, hopefully including more time with God (and maybe drinking more coffee...joking). I thought that writing it on here would help to keep me accountable. If you read this, feel free to ask me how it's going. Like I said, I'm going to do my best. This is going to be hard.

Will They Know We Are Christians By Our Love?

So I have decided that I really don't agree with all Christians about the most effective way to spread the Gospel. I have been really frustrated recently because a Christian group at the university is putting on an event called "DGE" which stands for Does God Exist? They are hosting a few different discussions/debates, including a debate between an atheist and a Christian, a session titled, "Can a scientist believe in God?" one called, "Does Intelligent Design Explain Biological Life," and, my personal favorite (not), "Stump the Christian."

Now, I realize that Jesus was very clear in his commission to us to "make disciples of all nations," and I also realize that this group at school is truly trying to live this out. However, I have also come to the conclusion that this is not the most effective method of showing people what Jesus was all about. I'm reading a commentary on the Gospel of John by William Barclay, and in it he says, "Not very many people have ever been argued into Christianity. Often our arguments do more harm than good." I really think this is true. From the conversations I have been involved in on this topic, and on any topic related to faith and morality, when people start arguing about opinions, people are rarely convinced. This is how I feel about these debates and sessions at school. I feel like everyone is going to come with their own predecided beliefs, and they will be willing to spout their opinion, and unwilling to listen to anyone else's. And I am generally the same way. I don't give people who say that Christianity isn't true much of my true respect and attention. If I know that someone is setting out to prove my faith wrong, I probably won't give them much to work with. When people set out to debate, walls go up, doors close, and bitterness often sets in. To me it seems like this is much more likely taking several steps back rather than moving forward in spreading the Good News.

Okay, so I disagree with this method of "evangelism." So what? What do I believe would be better? It's one thing to disagree with someone's methods, but the only way that holds any steam is if I show I'm doing something myself. William Barclay went on to say, "The only way to convince a man of the supremacy of Christ is to confront him with Christ. On the whole it is not argumentative and philosophical preaching and teaching which have won men for Christ; it is presentation of the story of the Cross." Hmmm. So what does that look like? How do I "confront people with Christ" without becoming "argumentative and philosophical"? Well, for one thing, I know I have a long way to go. I know I am not doing all I can to show Christ to the people around me. But I do think that the first step is to love people. Not to tell them about Jesus because you feel obligated, or there is some quota of people to tell every day, but to first build a relationship. To show a person by repeated experiences that you care about them, not just about whether or not they stop drinking, or start going to church. To show people what love really looks like, and for that love to be real, not a show or an obligation, or a conditional arrangement that will disappear if they refuse the Gospel. A love that really loves.

Wow, that all might sound good, but now what? Well, I am trying to start conversations. I am trying to open doors to relationships that can develop and go deeper. At least I am trying to try. Most of all, I am praying that God will fill me with his love for the people around me. And if I am filled with that love, then I know that the people around me will be confronted with Christ. Lord, may it be so.

Am I For Real?

I read this article in the Christianity Today last month. I have thought about this before, and though I could type my own words and thoughts, I think Erik Thoennes did a better job, so I will rather write his words. Since he uses italics in the article, I used bold print for the stuff I particularly liked.

Hour of Decison - by Erik Thoennes

"My favorite question to ask Christians is how they came to trust in Christ. The answers I've heard testify to the diverse experiences God uses to bring people into a relationship with himself. Most commonly, people say they trusted him as a child at camp or at Sunday school or while praying with a parent. They often follow with something like, 'But my faith really became my own when I was a junior in high school.'

How are we to understand this variety of experiences and the apparent two-stage process many seem to undergo in arriving at saving faith? The term saved is popularly used to refer to regeneration and justification. But when the Bible uses the word salvation in a spiritual sense, it describes the broad range of God's activity in rescuing people from sin and restoring them to a right relationship with himself. Salvation in the Bible thus has past, present, and future tenses. A believer has been saved from the guilt of sin (justification, see Eph. 2:8), is being saved from the power of sin (sanctification, see 1 Cor. 1:18), and will be saved from the judgment and presence of sin (glorification, see Acts 15:11).

While subjective experience of being saved may look very different from person to person, the objective state of being saved is definite and absolute. From God's perspective, there is a definitive point in time when those who have trusted in Christ pass from death into life (1 John 3:14)

Whether or not one can remember the moment of spiritual rebirth, it is a miracle that initiates a number of new realities. Through the work of the Holy Spirit in regeneration, the spiritually dead person is made alive in Christ (Titus 3:5). The convert's filthy rags of self-righteousness have been traded for the perfect righteousness of Christ (Phil. 3:8-9). He or she can cease striving to be justified, resting instead in the finished work of Christ (Phil. 2:8-9). As Paul writes, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Rom. 8:1). The believer has "crossed over from death to life" (John 5:24), which means that the person can "have confidence on the day of judgment" (1 John 4:17).

Much of American Protestantism has been influenced by revivalism, which places great emphasis on "making a decision for Christ" in a public, definitive way. These "moments of decision" often become the crucial evidence that one is saved. Other Protestant traditions, less influenced by revivalism (including some Reformed and Lutheran churches), may be content to leave the conversion experience unclearly identified, putting the focus on identification with the church. Both of these traditions have benefits, as well as potential problems.

The decision approach rightly emphasizes the need for a personal commitment to Jesus Christ and the idea that regeneration takes place at a specific time. The potential downside is that this view can lead to a simplistic, human-centered understanding of being saved, where one depends too heavily on the specific act of trusting Christ as the primary evidence of conversion. As a result, one can doubt the "decision" was real, leading to numerous journeys down the aisle (just in case). Also, one can depend on the walk down the aisle alone, even in the absence of spiritual fruit.

On the other hand, Reformed traditions appreciate the sovereignty of God and the role of the church in the salvation process. Yet they can leave conversion so vague that the need for personal trust in Christ and a changed life is neglected.

We must allow for the varied experiences God uses to bring people to himself. As C. H. Spurgeon said, 'The Spirit calls men to Jesus in diverse ways. Some are drawn so gently that they scarcely know when the drawing began, and others are so suddenly affected that their conversion stands out with noonday clearness.'

For those who question their salvation, the best evidence is not the memory of having raised a hand or prayed a prayer. Nor is it having been baptized or christened. The true test of the authentic work of God in one's life is growth in Christ-like character, increased love for God and other people, and the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-25; James 2:18). A memorable conversion experience may serve as an important referent to God's saving work in one's life. But the ongoing work of the Holy Spirit in making a person more like Jesus is the clearest indicator that one has been made a new creation in Christ."

Anger

Sometimes I have wondered if I get mad too much. I get worked up by something that happens, or by something that I hear or read. I get angry in conversations with people, I get mad when I see people doing things they shouldn't be doing. Sometimes it really doesn't take too much to get me really riled up.

I just watched a NOOMA video. I am sure that some of you are familiar with these. The guy who hosts them is named Rob Bell, and some of the things he says really get me thinking. The video I just watched was called "Store" and it was about anger. Rob Bell talks about how if you walk around our society, you are bound to see rage all around. People flipping others off in traffic, people losing it in line at the grocery store, the examples really aren't too hard to think of. There are people walking around who are just ready to explode with anger. He then goes on to talk about how anger is a normal emotion, and the important thing isn't to avoid getting angry, but rather to figure out what is making us angry, and where our anger is leading.

The passage of Scripture used in the video was Mark 3:1-5. This is the story where Jesus is about to heal a man on the Sabbath, and the teachers of the law are waiting to accuse him for it. It says that Jesus looked at them in anger, because they were too stubborn to see the truth. Jesus got angry. And he used his anger for a cause. He healed the man with the crippled hand. Rob Bell says that Jesus' anger "increases the peace of the world. It leads to this good deed that makes things better." He goes on to talk about how our anger can lead to selfish ends, or we can use anger to lead to things that are good and beautiful. And then he said something that I really liked:

"When we are talking about calling and mission and vocation and purpose, what we're going to give our lives to, one of the questions we often ask is, 'What do you love?' But there's another question that we can ask. 'What makes you angry?'"

Wow! Isn't that something to think about? Obviously there are lots of things that people get angry about that really aren't important at all, but what about the things that do matter? What are the things that are bigger than you that make you mad? What are the causes that you get really worked up about that you realize something needs to be done about? What are the issues that make you so mad that it hurts? Isn't that where we should be living and working and spending ourselves? Yours might not be the same things that get me mad, but that's good, because there are far too many things that need to be changed in this world for any of us to take care of all of them. Anger has this energizing effect. It gets you going and makes you act. Things get done when anger is behind them. And often the results aren't pretty. We should be using that motivation for something good. Rob Bell talked about how the people he knew who had given their lives to a cause were usually the ones who didn't get worked up about the unimportant everyday incidents that happened. They were the ones who had figured out how to use their anger for good, because life is about something bigger than them. Some things are going on in the world that somebody needs to get angry about, and that anger is only good for anything if it leads to action. Maybe God wants to do something through that anger that is inside you and me. Maybe it is there for a reason.

So, what makes you angry?

Someone Searching

Face lost in the crowd
Feet wandering empty streets
Voice crying out loud
Heart aching with every beat

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone?
Searching for
Someone searching

Soul battered and bruised
Pride wounded and left for dead
Ears deaf to good news
Eyes tear-drenched and sleepless red

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Wishing, waiting
Could there be someone?
Searching for
Someone searching

Oh I hear the cry
And I know the pain
Can it be denied?
That everyone has been and will be
Someone searching

Love standing alone
Hands scarred by the nails of hate
Hope suffering long
Faith urging that it's not too late

Someone searching
Searching for someone
Everywhere and endlessly
Loving, longing
Always there's someone
Searching for
Someone searching

-Ginny Owens