Light Gives Heat

Tonight me and Kirsten went to the Forks, and we went through the Africa Village tent that they have set up. It was pretty neat - you get an iPod shuffle and follow the story through one of four real stories about a child in Africa. The pictures of beautiful people who are living a life much harder than mine reminded me of how blessed I am - and also how I need to look beyond the comfort of my own life and reach out to those who got born into a harder life than I did. There was a place at the end of the exhibit where you could write a prayer or a letter and stick it to the wall. The words of this Jars of Clay song came to mind:

Will you teach us how to love?
To see the things you see?
Walk the road you walked
Feel the pain that you feel?
At your feet I kneel
I want to see you shine
See your light, not mine
Light gives heat
Light gives heat.

I'm not sure how long the African Village is set up. It's free, so for those of you Winnipeggers who are looking for an interesting experience, you could try it out. Perhaps a bit of a World Vision advertisement, but a good reminder none the less, I think. And whether you go see the tent or not, I encourage you to think of ways to actively pursue justice for those who have done nothing to deserve their hard lot in life - just as we have done nothing to deserve our easy one. Let me know if you come up with anything good.

the disconnect

and once again, the disconnect;
these fingers of my heart that reach out and grasp
at nothing
they thought you would meet them here
that you would hear the words beneath
the ones i say
and whisper back
that i am not alone
that we are singing the same song
that we are one

but your ears heard what my heart never said
and missed the bigness of the thoughts
that begged of you an audience

so here i am
sought out but misunderstood
heard but unknown
disconnected


Over the course of this year I have started writing a poem on this theme and have never been able to finish it. I don't know that I like how it turned out this time around, but I forced it out so that I can come back and work on it rather than always starting fresh. The theme is a little depressing perhaps, but so true. I am continually reminded that if I insist on looking for someone to know me completely, I will be always disappointed. That realization of the disconnect that exists between me and every other person is a painful one. It brings me back to my thoughts of groaning that I wrote about recently. It also leaves me with a choice. Either I can accept the lonely fact that no person can hear the undertones of my heart, or I can redirect them to the only One who will ever know me.

A Hymn to God the Father

Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still: though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin? and, made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year, or two: but wallowed in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by thy self, that at my death thy son
Shall shine as he shines now, and heretofore;
And, having done that, thou hast done,
I fear no more.

- John Donne

Baby!

I am Tante Jans again! I was at a youth conference all weekend with my youth group (which was incredible, by the way - God so clearly at work in the lives of the youth, but that's a whole nother post), and when I got home tonight, I found out that Corrie was born on Friday shortly after I left. So I got to hold my 3 day old niece tonight for a while, and she is a cutie.

The Groaning Goes On

I think one of the reasons that I haven't been feeling much like blogging lately is that I have had a couple of partially formed thoughts bouncing around in my head for a long time, but they weren't at a stage where I felt like writing about them, and there was nothing else that seemed worth writing about.  Hence, I wrote about nothing.  I still haven't finished thinking about these things, but perhaps I have reached the point where I can at least express some thoughts.  I suppose the answer to that is a yes if this actually gets posted.  

So I watched a really great chick flick tonight.  I think the thing that I love about chick flicks (and really most movies) is the happy ending.  There may have been moments in the middle where you weren't quite sure if things was going to end well, but somehow at the end of the day, all is well... and they lived happily ever after.  Happily ever after.  I think that is quite a thought.  I think that is what I search for.  Not necessarily in the form of the perfect man (though I wouldn't complain if I found him), but in everything.  Happily ever after implies rest.  The thing you have been seeking has been found, and now you can sit back, relax, enjoy life, and never have to be uneasy or anxious again.  A deep breath released, and tension is gone from your life forever.  Rest.

But the thing is, no matter where I've been or what the circumstances, I have never experienced a rest that complete.  I've never gotten to a "happily ever after."  That's because life continues on, and this life is not actually about finding rest.  Don't get me wrong, I believe that I will yet experience perfect rest.  Just not on this side of heaven.  

There are times when I thought I knew what it was that I wanted.  I worked hard to get it, succeeded, and basked in my happiness... for about 5 minutes, until I noticed that I still wanted something.  The hole wasn't filled.  I couldn't find rest.  That feeling is hard to express in words.  Groans really say it best.  All of my yearnings and wants and deepest hopes and frustrations can be encompassed in a groan.  It goes even deeper than what I can consciously identify.  The bible talks about this groan in Romans 8.  All of creation is groaning "as in the pains of childbirth" (v 22).  And what are we groaning for?  "The redemption of our bodies" and "our adoption as sons" (v 23).  That's the happily ever after right there.  But the thing is, it isn't going to happen until we have a perfect relationship with our Creator, and as long as we are stuck on this broken earth in these broken bodies, we are going to be bound to decay.  Groaning.  

But here is something that I am learning.  In the moments when all my frustrations and unrest culminate in a dissatisfied groan, I have a choice.  I can decide if I am going to groan in frustration or in hope.  If I groan in frustration, life gets... well, frustrating.  But the thing is, although I know that the hole in me is not going to be filled in this lifetime, I do know that it is going to be filled.  And when I shift my thoughts from all the things that aren't filling me, and rather think about the One that I know will fill me one day, my groans take on a peaceful tone.  Not perfect rest, to be sure, but peace.  And so my groans will go on, but I groan in hope.  And in Him I find peace to get me through to the day when he will bring me perfect rest.  

Convenience is Bliss

I have to have another cell phone rant. I know that if you have ever bothered to ask me my list of pet peeves, you probably already know that this is near the top of the list, and I also know that if you have never bothered to ask me what my list of pet peeves entails, it is probably because you don't really want to know. I don't really blame you. Rants tend to be a little one-sided. Though that is sort of the nature of a blog in the first place. And if you read this blog ever, I have to assume that must imply that you at least like me a little bit, and if you like me at all, you must either enjoy rants or you have learned how to endure them/tune them out. Tuning out blog rants is especially easy, since I am not there to have hurt feelings about you reading a book or falling asleep while I am talking about something I think is important. So without further ado...

Cell phones make me mad. I understand that they are very useful. I will even go so far as to say that there have been moments in my life when I have wished for a brief moment that I had one so that I could work out some kinks in Friday night plans etc. But I deal with those moments of inconvenience. Part of it, I will freely admit, is that I am being stubborn. That is indeed one of my character traits, and I know that is something I need to work on sometimes, but I like that I am stubborn about this, so I don't expect it to change that soon. Cell phones very easily take over people's lives. We all have seen about a billion examples of people who can't go anywhere without checking their phones for texts, calling their boyfriends every 12 minutes, disrupting conversations with good friends to take a call, texting in class (I can tell you, very distracting)... I could go on and on. Okay, so I have established that some people take the cell phone a little too far (understatement of the year). To be fair, let's now consider the advantages of cell phones. You can call for help if you have trouble on the road, you can call your friend to find out where they are when you have been waiting at the designated spot for 25 minutes alone, you can keep yourself busy when you are bored in class. I think the main positive thing cell phones do is make things more convenient. Personally, I think that convenience is not necessarily the end we should always be seeking. Sure, it is nice for things to be convenient. But it is also nice when things increase our organizational skills, and when things build relationship and community. So it comes down to a question of whether the convenience is worth the cost.

I know that some people who have a cell phone and don't let it get out of hand (no pun intended), and perhaps that is the best (and hardest) place to be. It is easy for me to not get addicted to my cell phone because it is non-existent. What is hard is to have one and not let it take over. I think that's how lots of things in life are. It is easiest to push hard to one side on an issue, because then we never need to practice balance. But I think the gray area is often the best place to be, and that is hard, because it takes constant reassessment and effort. That sounds a little inconvenient.

I could go on and on, but I won't. I will, however, post a link to a pretty funny/good article on this topic. Click on the "family" link on the left and scroll down to "Don't Mind the Mess."